Anyone who knows me will tell you that I don’t mind the sight of raw beef – in fact I prefer it. The rarer a good steak is the better it tastes. One of the most challenging parts of my job is listening to hillbillies and Canadians order hamburgers, and even Kobe burgers, well done. I cringe when I hear “Can I get that Kobe burger extra, extra, extra well done. I want a hockey puck.” I always think: “Seriously, you want a fucking hockey puck and you want to pay an extra $10 for it?”
When people ask me what the difference is between Kobe beef and Angus beef I tell them one of the main differences is the Kobe beef has a higher fat content, making it juicier. I also tell them that the more they cook it, the less they notice the difference since the fat cooks away. Three out of five times the person still orders their burger to at least medium well - Some still insist on me bringing them a ‘hockey puck.’
The truth is, in life and in beef a fucking hockey puck is a hockey puck. If you are going to cook your meat to a point that it is now beef jerkey you might as well as eat at fucking McDonalds. You shouldn’t come in and complain about our high prices when you are destroying our high quality beef with your shitty cooking preferences. This applies to you Canada.
Since I work on the Las Vegas strip during a down economy I wait on A LOT of Canadians. Apparently, nothing scares a Canadian more than undercooked beef. In fact, a large portion of my day is spent explaining cooking temperatures to people who sometimes reply “It is illegal to serve beef not fully cooked, how can you guys stay open?” On a good day I can simply ignore these twats and slow blink but in most cases it takes every ounce of my being to not bludgeon them to death with a nearby chair. So for your convenience Canada I have written some cooking temperatures below, as well as some other things you might want to know about consuming beef in restaurants within the U.S.
Dear Canada,
Please note the following for correct cooking temperatures within the U.S.
Rare: Brown on the outside, red/raw throughout.
Medium Rare: Brown on the outside, pink throughout, with a cool red center.
Medium: Brown on the outside, pink throughout.
Medium-Well: Brown on the outside, mostly cooked throughout with a slight amount of pink.
Well: Cooked throughout, no pink
Hockey Puck: Burnt to a crisp with an outer shell of hard crunchy stuff including grill scrapings and the cook’s pubes, cooked throughout without a trace of moisture (except maybe saliva and snot). The saliva and snot is mostly noticeable if you sent back your fully cooked well done burger and needed it cooked more.
Also, note:
No, it is not illegal for me to serve you undercooked meat. We are in the U.S. not some 3rd world country where the meat is actually a stray dog that had been limping in the alley.
Yes, as a matter of fact I have heard of “Jack in the Box” - Where in 1993 a strain of E.Coli (or e colleee as Larry King would say) infected hundreds of unsuspecting diners and killed 4 children. First of all, “Jack in the Box,” other fast food establishments, and most sit down chain restaurants, use a lower quality beef. Because of this they choose to fully cook their beef to a higher temperature since they can’t afford to be sued for $10 million like Jack in the Box was. This is their choice.
These places are owned by corporations that offer you low prices by getting their meat in bulk from some food service company who purchases their meat from somewhere else. It is unlikely that the person serving the meat can tell you where it was raised or slaughtered. The manager doesn’t know and neither does the fucking delivery driver dropping the meat off. No one gives a fuck either because they are going to cook the shit out of it and cover it with cheese and mayonnaise so you won’t give a fuck either.
If this is the way you are used to getting your meat within the U.S then you are probably accustomed to eating at low end dining establishments or visiting places where hillbillies are grown. Even shitty local bars in Las Vegas will cook your burger as rare as you like it. Some chain restaurants will also serve you rare beef, like Ruby Tuesday’s or you can order a medium rare burger at Fuddrucker’s which more than likely will not be cooked correctly.
The point is: Don’t argue with your fucking server about cooking temperatures because you simply don’t know what the fuck you are talking about and it is annoying, you little fuck. Also, when I take the extra time to explain cooking temperatures… how about you take the time to listen? Shut the fuck up and stop arguing with your fat , balding, blue-eye-shadow-wearing wife about whether or not you can afford two orders of fries or have to split one and pay fucking attention.
Then I won’t have to hear your bitch ass complain about how your burger isn’t cooked the way you ordered it.
Thanks, your cooperation is appreciated.
Twitter Updates
For the record: In Canada it IS illegal to sell burgers and other beef items that are NOT steak unless they are fully cooked.
My manager is actually from CANADA and he said it is not illegal to serve beef undercooked. He will not even eat a burger cooked higher than medium rare. I have also spent a bit of time reading Canadian’s Food Inspection Agency web site to see if I could find some place that states serving beef undercooked is illegal and I was unable to do so.
The main difference between American beef and Canadian beef comes from the actual grading of the beef. Prime graded beef (BTW this is what we serve at my work, ground) are identical in Canada and the U.S. but Canada does not allow any dark colored meat, yellow fat, older animals, or off-quality characteristics, unlike the U.S. The U.S allows these but decreases the grade of beef depending on individual circumstances. This means meat in the U.S. is downgraded to a lower level of prime but still remains prime. In Canada if any of these factors exist then the beef is automatically downgraded to a B instead of an A – making it no longer prime. This difference automatically makes more beef in Canada graded lower. Restaurants therefore cook it to a higher temperature. It does not mean that the meat has a higher probability of containing bacteria.
In fact, it should be noted that you can’t even tell if the meat you are consuming contains bacteria just by looking at it. For instance, a burger that is brown throughout can still kill you. The inside color of a hamburger doesn’t guarantee that it is fully cooked. Previously frozen beef turns brown long before it reaches an internal temperature high enough to kill E Coli. To remove any possibility of consuming harmful bacteria you should always check meat with a thermometer prior to serving it. What are the odds that the restaurants you are eating at are actually doing this? Just a thought.
Most restaurants in Canada choose not to offer medium to rare cooked ground beef items because their insurance company has told them not too. If a restaurant were to choose to offer it anyhow, they could have their coverage dropped and have to pay higher premiums to a different provider as a result.
It is my understanding that certain states allow 18-20 year-olds to consume alcohol within their parent’s presence, but most chains refuse to participate in this practice because of how complicated things can become if a parent leaves the table to use the bathroom, etc… As a result, servers simply tell their tables that they legally can’t provide an 18 year-old with alcohol and leave it at that. It is sort of the same situation.
It is also perfectly legal to sell a used infant car seat in Canada, but most consignment/thrift stores are told by their insurance company that they will lose coverage if they do so. As a result, the store owners simply tell customers that it is illegal.
In all three cases “liability” becomes the operative word here. In a liability-driven society “law” and “covering our ass” are hard to separate.
p.s. I tried ordering a medium-rare burger in Florida once, to try it, and was told it was illegal for them to serve it to me. I guess it’s not just Canadians who use this convenient excuse.
Canadian here – what pisses me off to no end is the impossibility of ordering a steak cooked properly in a restaurant (be it a five star joint or a shit hole). I like my steak medium rare. I will accept it rare and enjoy it. I will not accept it medium well to well which is what I get everytime. I just don’t order steak anymore.
Having been born and raised in Toronto, I routinely order steaks blue in the restaurants around here, provided I’m certain of the quality of food origin, handling and storage. There’s absolutely nothing illegal about it.
On the other hand, I’m also significantly younger than the average age of the Canadian you likely serve. The age thing may be important; not many Canadians I know in the older than forty age bracket will touch less than well done meat, regardless of the fully rational assurances you give them. It’s Craaaaaaazy. My Dad is especially bad about it.. I’m embarrassed to go to steak houses with him, honestly.
I’m oh so sorry that they’re allowed across the border to annoy you. Truly sorry. Unfortunately, Canadian law prevents us from introducing mass re-education camps.