Waiting In Vegas

So… I don’t know about you but I have spent a small fraction of my life playing video games – including Zelda. If you are familiar with The Legend of Zelda The Ocarina of Time then you probably remember the level with the giant disgusting whale named Jaba Jaba.

Tonight I waited on him and his slightly fatter wife. Him and his super-sized wife came in on their little red scooters. After four minutes of maneuvering they were able to wedge themselves out of their scooters and place their giant asses in chairs. Each of their asses hung over the chairs by several inches – if I had to guess only about 45% of their asses were even touching the chairs. Jaba Jaba smelled like dying old people, moldy cheese, and body odor. He also had no teeth. Whenever he spoke I couldn’t understand a word he said. Both him and his wife were so chromosomally challenged that my ovaries dried up on the spot. I can only imagine any off spring they might have ever produced was probably buried in the yard immediately or hidden in the basement or attic and never spoken about.

Jaba Jaba ordered a burger with no bun and skipped the fries because he is “on a special diet”  – classic terminology for gastric bypass. By the time his food came he had already had 6 glasses of coke, he drank 3 more with his meal. At 150 calories per glass that’s 1,350 calories in only soda. At this rate he will never lose the extra 800 pounds he is toting around. When the lovely couple went to leave it took them about 10 minutes to wedge themselves back into their scooters. The woman’s scooter even made a noise like it was straining to carry all the weight.  I returned to the table to retrieve my generous tip of $3 on $45 – sweet, that’s $.30 per beverage (factoring in his wife’s one beverage). Later, when I was leaving the casino I saw them gambling at the $5 slot machines. Normally I would wish bad stuff on such cheap twats but it looks like DNA took care of it for me.