Waiting In Vegas

Waiting tables in Las Vegas differs from waiting tables in other cities.  One of the main differences I’ve noticed is the amount of vomit a server in Las Vegas encounters. Servers in other locations might wait tables for years (or even forever) without witnessing a guest vomit directly on a table – this simply is not the case with a Las Vegas server.  Dealing with mother fuckers who are too drunk to be in public, much less eat in a restaurant, is part of the job.  Depending on where you work it might even be a major part of your job.  For instance, if you work in a night club or a sports bar then you probably encounter vomit every single shift.  Luckily, I only encounter it weekly.  Last night I encountered A LOT of it.

Two drunk women teeter in and are sat at a booth.  Both women were slurring their speech but the server eventually managed to get their order and rang it in.  The food arrived shortly afterward and they began to eat.  At this point, Drunk lady #1 proceeds to projectile vomit directly on the table.  It’s important to note that this wasn’t just normal drunk vomit.  Normal drunk vomit has a certain smell and texture – pleasant by no means but much more tolerable than the substance spewing from this lady’s pie hole.  Normal drunk vomit consists mostly of the last 12 drinks consumed by the offending party – made up mostly of liquid, with a few indistinguishable chunks, and a pretty sour smell.  Don’t get me wrong – I am not an actual vomit expert nor do I have a vomit fetish (like a guy I once saw on Jerry Springer) but I have witnessed enough drunks vomiting to know enough to gross you out in great detail.

The point of giving you some insight into normal drunk vomit is to illustrate the fact that this lady’s vomit was in no way resembling the substance normally expelled from the stomach of a normal drunk.  This was ungodly.  UNHOLY.  Jesus, this was by far the worst substance I have ever witnessed another human being expel from ANY orifice. It resembled Hormel chili mixed with cat food – and she wasn’t eating either.  The texture indicated that this lady had a bad habit of swallowing every morsel of food she ever consumed whole – without so much as an attempt to chew it.  Not only did she neglect to chew it, she must have eaten an entire case of Hormel chili and 17 boxes of cat food.  I have NEVER witnessed such a large quantity of vomit in a single place. In ancient Rome this lady would be a mother fucking legend for sure.  The vomit covered half of the table, drunk lady #2’s purse, and a large portion of the floor underneath the table.

The awesomeness of this story begins now.  While drunk lady #1 throws up everything she has eaten in the last 3 months, drunk lady #2 continues to eat without batting a lash.  She then flags a busser down to tell her that her friend “is feeling ill.”  When the busser looks down, she almost vomits as well.  Drunk lady #1 then looks up and calmly says “I think I need a towel.”

(Really… you think you need a towel? That’s a real thing that you think you need? You need a towel? You actually need a shower mother fucker and to go to your hotel room and hide your head in shame. I would probably even switch hotels so no one recognizes me while I’m playing penny slots later.)

It was like neither of these ladies thought vomiting directly on a table, in a restaurant, was a big deal.  They also didn’t seem disturbed by the sheer quantity of the vomit or the strange wholeness of the items within it.  In fact, the lady who had just vomited began eating again almost immediately afterward – without even cleaning any of the offensive, foul-smelling, chili-like substance off the table.  I’m sure the energy used by her muscles from gagging, as well as the fact that her stomach was now empty, increased her appetite immensely but for fuck’s sake – Are you fucking kidding me? Drunk lady #2 didn’t even pause from stuffing her face WHILE her disgusting friend threw up ON the table and her purse.

It was like something out of a horror movie.

Normally, when someone vomits in a public place their friend asks for the check and everyone leaves immediately.  These gross bitches didn’t take this an indication that it was time for them to leave.  In fact, they were offended when my manager presented them with the check and told them they had to leave.  They argued saying that they weren’t done eating.  My manager insisted they leave because the hazmat team had arrived (donning gloves, masks, and sanitizer) to clean the ungodly substance up.  Eventually, the gross bitches gave up and left.  Then two people (who get paid to clean vomit up all day long) proceeded to clean and disinfect the area for over an hour.