Waiting In Vegas

One of the hardest parts of waiting tables in Vegas is keeping your sanity. Dealing with drunk assholes who sometimes reward you with a handful of change can get pretty depressing. Personally, I make it through my grueling 8 hour shift by having an awesome sense of humor. I will do anything to break up the monotony of my day.

Here’s a pretty good example:

Tonight we celebrated two birthdays at work. I was elected to purchase a cake and opted to get a cake make of cupcakes, with the gayest frosting colors I could find. I had the bakery attendant put “Happy Anniversary Gary & Bob.”

Yada, yada, yada, at the end of the night there were a few remaining cupcakes leftover so before throwing them out, the other closer and I jokingly threatened to throw them on each other. I tried to convince him to simply allow me to smash him in the face with the tray of cupcakes. In exchange I offered to close out his remaining tables. I retracted my offer once I realized he had so many tables left. Just as we were debating it, the very pregnant hostess walked by. She offered to let me smash the cupcakes in her face if she was allowed to leave early, right afterwards. Once I got permission from the manager, It was on, bitches.

I gotta tell you, hitting a visibly pregnant woman in the face with a tray of cupcakes is a lot harder than it sounds. It’s not that the tray was heavy – for fuck’s sake it was 4 cupcakes on a cardboard tray. It’s just the debate that goes on in your head takes a lot to overcome. A little voice in my head was repeating, “This seems so very wrong.” Luckily, a louder voice was saying, “Hellz yeah, I’m about to hit someone in the face with some cupcakes.”

She prepared herself by taking off her glasses and pushing her face forward. I couldn’t do it with her staring at me so I made her close her eyes. Then I couldn’t do it because I felt bad smashing the entire tray into her face so I opted to go a kinder, gentler route – I just used a single cupcake. I neared her face slowly and then smooched the cupcake into her chin and mouth area. The excessive blue frosting smeared all over the bottom area of her face and dripped into her ample, pregnant bosom. All in all it was a gratifying experience. I would definitely do it again and I would highly recommend it to others.

It did take her about 10 minutes to clean the frosting off of her face – maybe next time I will be more considerate and get white cake with white frosting.

There will definitely be a next time.