Waiting In Vegas

Tonight I waited on four guys who were in their early twenties. They were polite enough. They weren’t demanding or obnoxious and they each said please and thank you. They also flirted a bit.

I should tell you first that I am horrible at fake flirting. I am not one of those servers who knows how to bat her eyelashes and flirt with octogenarians in an effort to make them part with their cash. While this is a skill admired by some, I kind of feel like it crosses a line that I’m not comfortable crossing. I’m sure if I didn’t hold this philosophy then I could easily learn how to fake flirt because I am simply awesome at everything I do.

I’m a waitress not a call girl. I wait tables not sell hand jobs for $20 (I’m honestly not sure how much a proper hand job should cost but someone once told me they pay $20). I’m not at work to flirt or lead desperate men to believe that after closing they can return and finger-bang me at the hostess stand. I also have no interest in giving out my number so I can “hook up” later. I know everyone wants to bone a waitress but flirting with me is a waste of time. Once I blow off the first feeble attempt I kind of feel like the guy should get the point. In order to save him the forthcoming embarrassment he should just shut the fuck up already. If a guy doesn’t get the point then I will say something that brings him so much shame that he really has no choice but to leave or be very quiet for the remainder of the meal. Then, of course, I pray that one of his friends pay the bill because the shaming of his friend will double my tip.

With that said, the flirting was harmless enough and it was pretty easy to ignore. When the group of guys left they tipped 50% ($40 on an $80 check). The busser hands me a scrap of paper from the table after they leave. It said:

Michael (the guy in the blue shirt)

You are cute:

Room # XXXX

Sure, it’s pretty common to get a guy’s number on the table. A lot of the time the note won’t even tell you which guy. I had one guy leave his number with no description and he was with 15 friends. The one thing that really amused me about this particular note was the fact that this guy didn’t even leave a phone number – just a room number. I’m thinking what kind of fucking dirtbag move is that? Does he think I’m just going to show up there, wearing nothing but an apron? How fucking desperate would I have to be to show up at all? The guy noticed how cute I am… so it’s pretty unlikely to happen.

My advice for guys who want to try this: do it to an ugly chick because they have much lower standards. Also, call dibs and tell your friends they have to abstain from flirting with her. You wouldn’t want all the attention to go to her head and decrease the probability of penetration.