Waiting In Vegas

I know I write a lot about how rude and cheap and annoying people are so I’m going to veer off topic and tell you a story that contains a lot of cheer and bliss. Don’t get me wrong: the person in the story is still a cheap, piece of shit loser, who needs to learn how to tip appropriately but the fact that they presented me with an opportunity to be nice AND cunty at the same time is fucking awesome.

Tonight a middle-aged African American couple sat down in my section. It was two hours before close. Business had pretty much died out. The other guests in my station were reasonably demanding and tipping decently. All in all, I was in a good mood and planned to stay that way for the remainder of the night.

I gave the couple outstanding service. They thanked me and even told me that the service was great. After I handed them their check, I watched as they gathered their money. It seemed to be taking them a seriously long time. They kept shifting money from one pile to the other and it was hard to tell (until later) what exactly they were trying to do. Then the wife began searching through her purse for change.

Finally, after a few minutes, the man hands me the check with his cash and says, “Keep the change.” I see him put a $20 in his pocket as him and his wife start to gather their things.

When I count his money, not only has he neglected to tip me but he shorted me a penny. I suddenly realized that the reason it took so long to get his money together was because he was trying not to break a $20. So instead of breaking a $20 so that he could tip me, he decided to stiff me and short me a penny. Being in such a good mood, I found it quite laughable. I approached the table and politely engaged the couple in the following conversation.

Me: I’m sorry sir. I think you must have miscounted. You are a penny short.
Man: What?
Me: The bill is $30.81 and you only gave me $30.80.
Man: It’s only a penny.
Me: I know but I still need you to pay your entire bill.
Woman: Can’t you just give him a penny?
Me: No, sorry. I have to collect the entire bill.
Man: You don’t have a penny?
Me: No, I don’t. Besides, it’s not my penny to pay.
Woman to man: Just give her the $20.

The man begrudgingly hands me the $20. I say, “Thank you very much. I will be right back with your change.” I returned a minute later with his change, which included two nickels and 9 pennies. The man counted his change several times before they both headed out the door.

The moral of the story: You don’t HAVE to tip me for awesome service but you bet your sweet ass you have to pay every single penny of your check.