I check back on my guests several times.  The first time I check back is when their food arrives to make sure they don’t need any additional condiments and to make sure their food arrived correctly.  Then I check back again after everyone has tried at least two bites of their food to make sure their food tastes good and is properly cooked.  Besides these two times I walk past them several times checking for signs of dissatisfaction and refilling beverages as needed.  Like I said: I give people ample time to make their complaints known prior to the consumption of their entire meal.  That’s why it never ceases to amaze me the number of people who eat every fucking morsel of their food and then complain that something was missing, cooked incorrectly, or tasted horrible.

In most cases there isn’t a hell of a lot I can do to rectify the situation since I have no way to prove their claim.  I deal with so many fucktards who have so many retarded complaints in a day that it becomes difficult to determine who is a lying twat seeking a free meal and who has an actual legitimate complaint.

Don’t Like The Food?
If you hate the food why the fuck would you eat all of it and then say “That was the grossest meal I’ve ever had.”  What kind of fucking person does that?  Sorry, big boy… you ate the entire fucking meal there is nothing I can do for you.  You should have complained immediately and I would have replaced your meal with something else.  If you are in a time crunch then you could have just eaten a small amount and I probably wouldn’t have made you pay for it.  You didn’t though.  Instead you ate the entire fucking meal, licked the plate, and then passive-aggressively complained like a little bitch.  If it was good enough for you to shovel down your throat in 2 minutes then it’s good enough for you pay for.

Improper Cooking Temperatures
Why would you eat your entire burger and then tell me that it was improperly cooked when you could have just as easily have told me during one of the many times I checked on you.  Chances are your burger was properly prepared and you are just a fucktard who doesn’t know proper cooking temperatures.  Either way, If you let me know before you devour the entire burger I can do something about it – like have it cooked to your liking or even take the time to explain cooking temperatures to you so you avoid the problem in the future.  If you wait until you eat the entire thing I really no longer give a fuck about your complaint.  Inevitably you end your complaint by telling me “make sure the chef knows,” or “pass this along to the chef.”  Something you should know is that most servers will just ignore your complaint and not relay the message to the chef because there is no way to tell if it’s legitimate or not.  This is because guests often tell us their burgers are improperly cooked when in fact they are perfected cooked.  These people are just used to eating at chain restaurants that serve their shit well done and call it medium well.  These chain restaurants won’t even serve their meat with the slightest amount of pink in it because the quality of the beef is poor and the people preparing it probably don’t have a degree in culinary arts.

Something Is Missing?
The kitchen screws up on tiny things all day long.  It’s a fast paced job and it’s easy to overlook small items, like extra avocado or a side of ranch.  If this happens then you should let your server know that something is missing as soon as you notice.  It will only take 90 seconds to fix the problem in most cases.  My absolute favorite is when cheese is missing from a sandwich.  The reason it’s my favorite is because so many people are too fucking retarded to correctly identify cheese.  I hate when people wait until the end of their meal to tell me there is no cheese because most of the time there was in fact cheese and I missed an opportunity to point it out to them.  Here is a classic example:

Four asians order four burgers, one with blue cheese.  The lady eats several bites of her burger before flagging me down to tell me there is no cheese on her burger.  There is in fact cheese on her burger and I can see it without even asking her to lift the bun.

Me: There is cheese.  It’s right there.

Lady: right where?

Me: Right there.  That white stuff hanging off the side.

Lady: I no see.

Me: (I take her fork and poke it) Right there.

Lady: That cheese?

Me: Yes, that’s cheese.

Lady: (Lifts her bun to see the entire patty covered in the mysterious white substance) Hmmmmmm. That blue cheese?

Me: Yes.

Lady: I thought it something else.

The above conversation happens 95% of the time when someone says there is no cheese on their burger. I know it seems strange because cheese is something that should be obvious – especially blue cheese since it has such a strong taste.  The truth is people just lose all common sense when dining out and turn into fucking retards.

Token and I both work exactly the same days.  Every single day I have to put up with his constant whining about wanting to go home early.  If he isn’t the first one on the list he is prone to temper tantrums and begs to go first.  Sometimes he even attempts to make the manager let him leave early by telling them how tired he is and how much he has to do.  He then pleads until they cave because they are sick of listening to him. Without question, he is the laziest person that I work with. You would also be hard pressed to find someone more selfish and inconsiderate.  In an effort to make him a better person, I often point out his behavior and tell him how selfish he is.  He pretends to not know what I am talking about and continues with his “me first, gimme gimme” attitude.  It is a constant battle and a strain on my energy.

Because of this, last week we made a deal that I would go home early on Sundays & Tuesdays and he could go home early the remaining three days.  This compromise was made after several weeks of fighting with him because he got to leave early every single day.  It was also debated for an hour before we both agreed to stop fighting and just select days.  On Sunday, Token came in and instead of putting his name on the list, he put mine.  This showed that he understood our agreement and was complying with it.  I told him that I was impressed and the next day when he signed the list, I tried to make sure he got to leave early.  I was optimistic that this system was going to work.

Last night was the polar opposite.  Instead of complying with our arrangement, he put his name on the list and then came to me and said “Sorry, but I have somewhere to be after work so I’m leaving first.”  When I told him that it was my day to leave early he asked me why I wanted to leave.  I told him that I only slept a few hours – he explained that he was going on a date on implied that this was more important.  I told him that he knew of our arrangement before making plans and that he  simply could’ve made plans the next day or on his day off.

Arguing with him was pissing me off because I can’t stand people who only keep their word when it’s convenient – which is exactly the kind of person he is and the reason I made this deal to begin with.  Our conversation went something like this:

Token: We didn’t sign that in blood so it doesn’t count.

Me: Are you fucking serious?  That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard.  First of all, everyone knows that an oral contract is admissible in court as long as both parties admit that they originally agreed on the terms and agree on what the terms were.  You aren’t denying the deal was made, you are just not honoring it because it no longer suits you.

Token: Well, that deal is stupid.  What if I want to make plans on those days?

Me: Why can’t you simply make plans on the other 3 days?

Token: Check this out, on those other days I come in before you so technically I can always sign the list before you so we shouldn’t count those days.

Me: So you should get to home those 3 days AND the other 2?

Token: No we should rotate those days.  You left on Sunday so now I can leave today.

Me: So… you get to leave early 4 days and I get one?  That is mighty generous of you.

Token: That’s fair.

Me: Of course you think it’s fair because it favors you.  You are so fucking selfish and inconsiderate and if you go back on this deal I will make it my mission to make you miserable.  I won’t care if I ever leave early as long as you and I are both here and you are miserable.

Token: Please don’t threaten me.

Me: I’m not threatening you – I’m just letting you know what your future holds if you fuck me over.

Token: Well I come in before you 3 of those days so I know you can’t leave early on those days anyway.

Me: I don’t need to come in before you to make you suffer. I will just have my friends, who normally don’t sign the list, sign it.  Then they will clock out and sit at the bar and drink while waiting for us both to get off at the same time.

Token: This deal doesn’t concern anyone else – just us two.  Why would you bring someone else into it?

Me: I’m not talking about the deal.  I’m talking about the consequences of you not keeping your word.  If you break your word by not honoring this deal then there is no deal.  Your a grown man and you should understand that your actions have repercussions.  I will use whatever means necessary to make you understand that by making you miserable.  Making people miserable is probably the only thing I am really good at.

Eventually, we walked away and ignored each other for the remainder of the night.  When it was time for the manager to cut the floor, she came up to me and told me I could leave.  Being an honest person, I told her that technically Token was first and I would ask him what he wanted to do.  I finished all my tables and approached him.  He started to argue with me again and I told him that I just needed to know what he wanted to do.  I also let him know that I meant everything I said earlier and that I just needed to know his choice.  Finally he said “Just fucking go, I don’t want you to make me miserable.” He purposely said it in a tone meant to evoke sympathy from me.  I said “OK.”  I finished my sidework and left.  On my way out, another server laughed and said that Token was over at the computer, cussing up a storm, saying stuff like “Fuck this, this is fucking bullshit, I should’ve left.”

A deal is a deal.

FYI: I probably would have just let him leave if he had come up to me and explained the situation – instead of just assuming that his needs are more important and purposely trying to screw me.

His life would be so much easier if he knew anything about diplomacy and didn’t have the charisma of a turd.

Two things can happen here:

1. You hear the server groan, roll her eyes, and she honors your ridiculous request and at the end of the meal you complain when it takes her 20 minutes to close your checks out. Your check might also even contain the wrong items, so you wait a little longer for her to get it corrected. A lot of the time all 15 people are paying with cash – which makes the server wish death on you all.

2. The server nicely (or even not nicely) refuses to do it, telling you the policy is one check for large parties. You and your 15 friends spend 5-10 minutes throwing some money or credit cards into a pile and pay your check. Some parties opt to split their check evenly by the number of people in the party. Some get their phone out to calculate the exact amount they owe (down to the penny). Others just round up and give an approximate amount per person – one person says “put whatever is left over on this card.”  Inevitably the person who puts the remainder on their card only tips on that portion. Hopefully the server included gratuity – otherwise, the tip will be something like $5 on $350 because the credit card amount was only $25 and the tip written in was $5.

You, having never worked in a restaurant, think to yourself.. what’s the big deal with separate checks – why do servers hate it so much? Is it really that difficult to separate a check? What is so hard about being a waitress – any moron can do it.

Let me begin by saying your server groans when you ask for separate checks because it says a lot about you. Your server assumes that you are cheap and already knows that you are annoying. But why?

- You are out with 15 of your oldest friends are all of you so cheap that you cant just divide the check evenly like civilized human beings?

- You are creating much more work for your server and this additional work will not be rewarded. People who require separate checks almost always leave shitty tips. If you are part of a large party and you server decides to include gratuity – she now has to add it to all 15 checks (instead of 1).  In this case, this is what is taking so long after you request your checks.

- You are not the server’s only table.  In fact, she probably has lots of other tables.  I could have a 15 top and 7 other tables.  I automatically have 8 checks open – separating your check into 15 checks would give me 22 open checks.  Having so many open checks gets confusing AND sometimes one check from the 15 top remains because no one claims  it and the server then forces someone else to pay it.

At this point, a lot of people say.. it still doesn’t sound difficult.  What’s the big deal?

The big deal is that there are 15 of you and 1 of me.  Is it easier for you to do the math- absolutely!  Not only is it easier but it is more efficient when you go to pay the check.  It will only take the server a couple of minutes to process your payment even if you give her a stack of credit cards to run.  If she has to close out 15 checks individually it will take much longer.  For instance, we have a cashier who closes our checks.  If all 15 people paid in cash it would probably take at least a minute each.  The cashier has to pull up the check on the computer, put in the amount you are paying, make change, and wait for the check to close and print.  There might also be other people in front of you waiting for their checks to be closed.  If everyone plans on paying in cash – just ask your server to break large bills and everyone pitch in some money.  It’s not rocket science.  Why are people so afraid of paying $1 more??  These are your closest friends?

Small parties that include families are the worst.  I hate to hear a family of four ask for separate checks – it’s horrible when a daughter asks for separate checks because she doesn’t want to accidently pay even a small amount for her mom’s food.  It just lacks class.  That’s your mom – buy her some food,  just pitch in some money, spilt the check evenly WHATEVER.  Just don’t be such a cheap loser that you need a separate check from your mom.

I know a lot of people think that servers who don’t separate checks are just slacking.  Really, telling people “No” to a request to inevitably gives them a worse dining experience makes them a better server.  They can then focus on performing more important tasks AND their other 8 tables.  When a server tells you “No separate checks” you should know that they are doing it for own good. Stop being a cheap fucking douche bag and let your server provide you with good service.

Also, you shouldn’t think your server is stupid … After all YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS TOO FUCKING RETARDED TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU OWE OR TOO CHEAP TO JUST THROW SOME MONEY IN.