If you are the kind of person who goes into a restaurant and asks for a sample of something before you buy it, I fucking hate you. I don’t even care if you spent five years building schools in Africa or adopted 45 kids from Cambodia. The fact that you have to sample a $6 item before you commit to buy it makes me fucking cringe. The fact that you don’t realize exactly how fucking annoying it is also makes me cringe.

Sure…I would love to run to the bar to bring back a 1 oz shot of beer for you to try. Then I would love to stand at your table while you leisurely sip it and note it’s earthy and chocolate flavors. The only thing that could possibly make it even better is if you hate the first sample and immediately request a different one.

Take a chance. Buy the beer you want. Ask me for advice…It’s my job. Tell me what kind/type of beer you enjoy and I’ll tell you which one you will like the most. If you don’t like it, be honest. Tell me and I’ll get you another one. Is it that fucking hard?

The same rules can be applied to any food or drink.

Yes, you did read that right: I would rather you just order something and send it back as opposed to sampling it first (as long as you follow the rules below).

DO NOT:
Ignore my awesome advice and order something that I specifically said you won’t like and then think it’s acceptable to send it back. It isn’t. Eat or drink whatever the fuck you ordered and etch this memory into your tiny little brain so that maybe next time you get over yourself and listen to your server.

DO NOT:
Make up your own dish or drink and then think it’s acceptable to send it back. It isn’t. You aren’t a fucking chef/bartender for a reason. Eat whatever piece of shit concoction you insisted on being made for you and etch this memory into your tiny little brain so that maybe next time you get over yourself and order something from the menu that was prepared by the fucking chef.

If you cannot comply with these simple instructions:
Die. Die. Die.

12. Don’t complain about the prices.

Yes…our prices are fucking outrageous. That’s because my employer pays me well over minimum wage and is required to pay for my insurance. We also lease space from a major casino on the Las Vegas strip.

Look around. Do you see any wagons or vintage signs on the wall? Am I wearing flare? No? That’s a pretty good indication that you aren’t in TGIF’s and the prices aren’t nearly as affordable.

If a place looks like it might be out of your price range just glance at a menu before being seated. There’s no shame in being poor but drawing attention to your poverty by loudly complaining is shameful.

Also, no one has to justify our prices to you. It doesn’t matter why they are high. The prices are the prices and no amount of bitching done by you is going to suddenly lower them. It’s exactly like buying a car from Carmax – no haggling, bitches.

13. Read the fucking menu.

What’s that Granny? Oh, you forgot your reading glasses and you would like me to read the menu to you? Of course, I would love to. It would be a privilege and a pleasure to read the entire menu to you while my other 15 tables patiently wait for their needs to be met. No…really, it’s fine. I’m sure your 6 quarters, neatly stacked into a little pile, will be more than enough compensation for my trouble. I’m not at all bothered by the fact that 5 of my other tables completely stiffed me and then told my manager that the service was horrible. As long as YOUR needs are met and YOU are happy.

Other options:
- Use that suitcase-sized purse that you are lugging around to carry your reading glasses in. Bring 3 pairs, just in case.
- If you forgot your reading glasses, buy some at a nearby Walmart/CVS/Walgreens.
- Ask me for a recommendation and agree to whatever I pick.
- Ask the hostess what you should order on the way in. They need something to do besides standing around talking about their menstrual cycles anyways.
- Order the special.
- Have someone else at the table read the menu to you. If you are dining alone, call your great granddaughter and make her look the menu up online so she can read it to you over the phone. Young people will use any excuse to talk on the phone for hours. Besides, she owes it to you for letting her punk-rocker boyfriend steal your lawnmower.

14. There is never a need to yell like a maniac.

Regardless of what has gone wrong during your dining experience, there is absolutely NEVER a need to act like a homicidal maniac. You are in a restaurant – eating a meal. It’s not like you have a life-threatening injury that is being uncared for in the emergency room. It’s a meal – one meal out of three that you will eat in one day. It’s not as important as some people make it out to be. You are in no danger of dying of starvation if your food takes 10 minutes more than you anticipated. If the food is cold, too spicy, or burnt, you still will not die. Even if your steak or burger comes out severely undercooked, you won’t die. Every situation can be remedied in a calm and polite manner. You don’t have to be a dick and start screaming at your server because they forgot your toast.

If you do decide to yell like a maniac, you should know:
- I am no longer required to be pleasant to you.
- I will probably not give you whatever you are requesting.
- Even a 1/2 oz. side of ranch dressing will cost you $1.
- If I return your bitchy attitude, I won’t get in trouble. There is also a chance that you will be asked to immediately pay your bill and leave. If you don’t leave then security will come and escort you out (after forcing you to pay).
- I might be extremely, overly and sarcastically nice to you to get on your nerves. I might even do this while doing something mean to spite you – like not putting your food order in for 10 minutes or watering down your drink.

15. Don’t be so fucking nosy.

Why do people feel the need to ask their server personal questions? It’s really none of their business how old I am, what my marital status is, or how many children I have. I am also frequently asked if I go to college, why I moved to Vegas, what my hobbies are, what my husband does for a living, how much money I make, how many hours I work in a week, and how I stay so thin. The only questions that I am really required to answer should pertain to the food or beverages I serve. I will also accept questions about cooking temperatures, cooking times, what the status is of the food that is already cooking, and questions related to the company I work for.

In short, it’s really none of your fucking business what I do once I leave work. Besides, how would you know if your server is even answering these questions honestly? I know that I personally lie all the time – just to amuse myself. Sometimes I make up really far-fetched, in-detail stories to see if guests are paying attention. Occasionally I tell them that I was lying and then tell them the truth. Sometimes I even tell them I was lying and tell them a different lie is the truth. Since there is no way to tell if someone is telling the truth, what’s the point in even asking?

* If it’s really slow and the server seems desperate to talk to someone then they will initiate a conversation with you. If they do then you can ask them whatever you want and they are required by law to answer it truthfully.

American children are taught to be autonomous. We like to make our children think that they have choices and that they are capable of making them without the assistance of an adult. The truth is, kids are generally morons who will almost always make the dumber choice.

Just order your child’s food for them and force them to eat it. I’m sure every Tiger Mom agrees-that’s why they produce such obedient children. I have never witnessed an Asian parent allowing their kid to run around in a restaurant or hide under the table. An Asian couple has also NEVER made me stand around while their child switches back and forth between food choices or loudly cries because we don’t offer peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Other options:
- Take your child out to eat more than once a year so they know how to behave in public.
- Take your child outside and give them a time out (or spank them).
- Read the menu before you arrive and let your child pick out their food in advance.
- Leave your kid at home (or in the car).
- Don’t have children if you can’t handle the immense responsibility of making them not act like a total piece of shit in a restaurant.
- Tip 40% for taking up the table twice as long and allowing your child to throw cracker crumbs all over the floor.

7. Gulping down refillable beverages is a sin.

Gulping down beverages is a sin. It’s called gluttony.

I bring guests two refills automatically and promptly. After that, refills become a lower priority and I don’t rush to get more. Guests will get more refills eventually-with significantly less ice.

If a guest drinks their entire beverage in 30 seconds and then holds up their empty glass, while shaking the ice, I implement a 2 minute penalty. I don’t even care if I have NOTHING else to do. I will go talk to the cooks about manscaping before I refill their drink. That is how much it annoys me.

If you want your drinks refilled every 30 seconds, drink something without free refills-like beer. The fact that guests (are supposed to) tip on the total of their check is a great incentive for me to keep the beer flowing.

*All water is refilled constantly and in a timely manner…no one will die of thirst in my station.

8. Your level of service greatly depends on your level of cooperation.

You want good service? Act like it, motherfucker. Say “please” and “thank you.” Don’t be rude, demanding, impatient, snippy, cunty, assholey.

Act like your fucking mom taught you some manners. Act like you have a mom and weren’t raised by wolves.

In most cases you get the service that you ask for. If you are someone who goes out and ALWAYS has bad service, you have to consider that you might be the fucking problem. It’s statistically improbable that every single restaurant that you have ever dined in has bad service. You are the only constant variable, which means you only have yourself to blame.

Maybe you come across as a picky fucking asshole who can’t be satisified, regardless of how hard people try. If that’s the case, the incentive of a tip isn’t enough for waitstaff to bother with you. Also, the more finicky you are, the less you will probably tip (statistically true).

Bottom line: Be nice and respectful to waitstaff and they will more than likely do the same.

9. I fucking know what plain means, asshole.

To show you how fucking annoying this is, I will outline an example below.

Guest: I would like a grilled chicken sandwich, with no lettuce, tomato, pickle, or onion.
Me: So, you would like it plain?
Guest: Yes, with no lettuce, tomato, pickle, or onion. Just chicken and bread.
Me: OK. A plain grilled chicken sandwich.
Guest: Just chicken and bread.
Me: Yeah, I got that…Plain.

Why do guests have to make things more difficult than they need to be. I fucking know what plain means-doesn’t everyone??? You don’t need to rephrase it 42 different ways for me to understand that you want a piece of fucking bread with a piece of grilled chicken on it. It’s not rocket science.

Something you might want to know (or want to do if you are in the industry):
When a guest repeats themselves more than twice, I pretend to write down their order and writes expletives instead. Then I read the pretend instructions back to the guest.

Notepad:
chk sand
plain
bitch, asshole, whore, slut

Me to guest:
A plain grilled chicken sandwich
No lettuce, tomato, pickle, or onion.
Just chicken and bread.

Hey, you have to do something to pass the time.

10. Listen to me when I explain cooking temperatures.

I don’t explain cooking temperatures because I like to hear myself talk (even though I do really like to hear myself talk). I also don’t do it to insult the intelligence of guests (there are far too many other creative ways to do this). I do it because I want the guest to know exactly what their food will look like when it arrives at the table.

When I take the time to explain cooking temperatures to a guest, they should take the time to listen. If everything arrives just as I explained, I don’t expect the guest to have the nerve to send their food back to the kitchen because it isn’t prepared properly. It is, in fact, properly prepared -It just wasn’t properly ordered. So, when a medium well burger arrives with a small amount of pink, I don’t expect the guest to freak the fuck out and yell that I am “trying to poison” them. This is a fact that they were told when ordering and when they shook their empty little head in agreement, I took that to mean that they understood the words I said.

P.S. This list is in no particular order.

1. You aren’t as funny as you think you are.

Hello, Mr. Funny Guy. Can’t resist the urge to crack a joke before ordering your beverage/meal/side of gravy. Guess what fuckface, I’ve heard that joke at least 1000 times. It wasn’t funny the first time and it is even less funny now. Laughing at your fucktarded jokes isn’t in my job description so if I don’t laugh, it’s because you aren’t funny. It’s not my fault that you aren’t funny. Some people just aren’t funny. Blame God, not me.

2. Oh, you are in a hurry?

So.. you waited until 45 minutes before your show begins to come into a restaurant and order your food. You tell the waitress that you are in a rush because you have show tickets. Do you know who else does this? Every motherfucker in the restaurant right now. You see that line of people, waiting for tables, even those fuckwads didn’t have the foresight to know that it takes more than 45 minutes to dine at a restaurant right before a show begins. You are on vacation. You should have plenty of time to get to the restaurant of your choosing and have a nice leisurely meal before the show begins. Instead, you wait until the last second – figuring you will just pop in for a quick bite to eat. When you tell me that you are in a rush, I will do everything I can to accommodate you – excluding placing your order before the people who arrived before you. I will not make others suffer because you are too dumb to allow yourself a reasonable time to have dinner. I will make sure you have everything you need before you get your food and even drop your check before or with your meal.

When I make suggestions for food that comes out quickly and you order a well done steak instead, I couldn’t care less if you miss the entire show. In fact, I hope you do. Plan better next time and don’t penalize me because you can’t tell time.

3. Sit the fuck down.

When the hostess seats you somewhere, sit the fuck down already. Stop looking around for a better table and stop being paranoid that the hostess is purposely seating you in a table that you will be unhappy with. The hostess is seating you there because the table fits your party size, is clean and available, and the server is able to attend to your needs in a timely manner. If you insist on moving to another table and receive bad service, you should know that you probably brought it on yourself and you deserve it. Perhaps the server whose station you moved to wasn’t ready for another table because they just got two others.

4. Hang up the phone.

So, the president calls you right before you sit down for dinner in a restaurant. Excuse yourself and take the call outside OR sit at the table and be ignored by your server until you hang up the phone. It’s rude to talk on the phone at the dinner table. It’s also rude to interrupt someone who is talking on the phone. If your call is that urgent then you should understand that you probably won’t be greeted until you hang up the phone – even if it takes 20 minutes. Don’t get all butthurt when I don’t even make eye contact before you hang up the phone.

5. I’m not on the menu.

Don’t be that guy that insists on hitting on every waitress. I’m sure some waitresses are slutty like that but most aren’t. Even unattractive waitresses get hit on frequently. Once someone politely declines your advances, stop embarrassing yourself and shut the fuck up already. Chances are if the waitress was interested in you, they would give you their number or just go to your room and give you a blowjob. I know it seems statistically improbable but I did work with a slutty waitress who went upstairs and serviced 3 men. It wasn’t because they suggested it. It was because she was a dirty slut with horribly low self-esteem and a thing for English men who don’t tip. Also, worth noting: If you don’t adequately tip your server, don’t leave your number. We will spend all night exacting our revenge by prank calling you. We’re immature like that.

I check back on my guests several times.  The first time I check back is when their food arrives to make sure they don’t need any additional condiments and to make sure their food arrived correctly.  Then I check back again after everyone has tried at least two bites of their food to make sure their food tastes good and is properly cooked.  Besides these two times I walk past them several times checking for signs of dissatisfaction and refilling beverages as needed.  Like I said: I give people ample time to make their complaints known prior to the consumption of their entire meal.  That’s why it never ceases to amaze me the number of people who eat every fucking morsel of their food and then complain that something was missing, cooked incorrectly, or tasted horrible.

In most cases there isn’t a hell of a lot I can do to rectify the situation since I have no way to prove their claim.  I deal with so many fucktards who have so many retarded complaints in a day that it becomes difficult to determine who is a lying twat seeking a free meal and who has an actual legitimate complaint.

Don’t Like The Food?
If you hate the food why the fuck would you eat all of it and then say “That was the grossest meal I’ve ever had.”  What kind of fucking person does that?  Sorry, big boy… you ate the entire fucking meal there is nothing I can do for you.  You should have complained immediately and I would have replaced your meal with something else.  If you are in a time crunch then you could have just eaten a small amount and I probably wouldn’t have made you pay for it.  You didn’t though.  Instead you ate the entire fucking meal, licked the plate, and then passive-aggressively complained like a little bitch.  If it was good enough for you to shovel down your throat in 2 minutes then it’s good enough for you pay for.

Improper Cooking Temperatures
Why would you eat your entire burger and then tell me that it was improperly cooked when you could have just as easily have told me during one of the many times I checked on you.  Chances are your burger was properly prepared and you are just a fucktard who doesn’t know proper cooking temperatures.  Either way, If you let me know before you devour the entire burger I can do something about it – like have it cooked to your liking or even take the time to explain cooking temperatures to you so you avoid the problem in the future.  If you wait until you eat the entire thing I really no longer give a fuck about your complaint.  Inevitably you end your complaint by telling me “make sure the chef knows,” or “pass this along to the chef.”  Something you should know is that most servers will just ignore your complaint and not relay the message to the chef because there is no way to tell if it’s legitimate or not.  This is because guests often tell us their burgers are improperly cooked when in fact they are perfected cooked.  These people are just used to eating at chain restaurants that serve their shit well done and call it medium well.  These chain restaurants won’t even serve their meat with the slightest amount of pink in it because the quality of the beef is poor and the people preparing it probably don’t have a degree in culinary arts.

Something Is Missing?
The kitchen screws up on tiny things all day long.  It’s a fast paced job and it’s easy to overlook small items, like extra avocado or a side of ranch.  If this happens then you should let your server know that something is missing as soon as you notice.  It will only take 90 seconds to fix the problem in most cases.  My absolute favorite is when cheese is missing from a sandwich.  The reason it’s my favorite is because so many people are too fucking retarded to correctly identify cheese.  I hate when people wait until the end of their meal to tell me there is no cheese because most of the time there was in fact cheese and I missed an opportunity to point it out to them.  Here is a classic example:

Four asians order four burgers, one with blue cheese.  The lady eats several bites of her burger before flagging me down to tell me there is no cheese on her burger.  There is in fact cheese on her burger and I can see it without even asking her to lift the bun.

Me: There is cheese.  It’s right there.

Lady: right where?

Me: Right there.  That white stuff hanging off the side.

Lady: I no see.

Me: (I take her fork and poke it) Right there.

Lady: That cheese?

Me: Yes, that’s cheese.

Lady: (Lifts her bun to see the entire patty covered in the mysterious white substance) Hmmmmmm. That blue cheese?

Me: Yes.

Lady: I thought it something else.

The above conversation happens 95% of the time when someone says there is no cheese on their burger. I know it seems strange because cheese is something that should be obvious – especially blue cheese since it has such a strong taste.  The truth is people just lose all common sense when dining out and turn into fucking retards.

Token and I both work exactly the same days.  Every single day I have to put up with his constant whining about wanting to go home early.  If he isn’t the first one on the list he is prone to temper tantrums and begs to go first.  Sometimes he even attempts to make the manager let him leave early by telling them how tired he is and how much he has to do.  He then pleads until they cave because they are sick of listening to him. Without question, he is the laziest person that I work with. You would also be hard pressed to find someone more selfish and inconsiderate.  In an effort to make him a better person, I often point out his behavior and tell him how selfish he is.  He pretends to not know what I am talking about and continues with his “me first, gimme gimme” attitude.  It is a constant battle and a strain on my energy.

Because of this, last week we made a deal that I would go home early on Sundays & Tuesdays and he could go home early the remaining three days.  This compromise was made after several weeks of fighting with him because he got to leave early every single day.  It was also debated for an hour before we both agreed to stop fighting and just select days.  On Sunday, Token came in and instead of putting his name on the list, he put mine.  This showed that he understood our agreement and was complying with it.  I told him that I was impressed and the next day when he signed the list, I tried to make sure he got to leave early.  I was optimistic that this system was going to work.

Last night was the polar opposite.  Instead of complying with our arrangement, he put his name on the list and then came to me and said “Sorry, but I have somewhere to be after work so I’m leaving first.”  When I told him that it was my day to leave early he asked me why I wanted to leave.  I told him that I only slept a few hours – he explained that he was going on a date on implied that this was more important.  I told him that he knew of our arrangement before making plans and that he  simply could’ve made plans the next day or on his day off.

Arguing with him was pissing me off because I can’t stand people who only keep their word when it’s convenient – which is exactly the kind of person he is and the reason I made this deal to begin with.  Our conversation went something like this:

Token: We didn’t sign that in blood so it doesn’t count.

Me: Are you fucking serious?  That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard.  First of all, everyone knows that an oral contract is admissible in court as long as both parties admit that they originally agreed on the terms and agree on what the terms were.  You aren’t denying the deal was made, you are just not honoring it because it no longer suits you.

Token: Well, that deal is stupid.  What if I want to make plans on those days?

Me: Why can’t you simply make plans on the other 3 days?

Token: Check this out, on those other days I come in before you so technically I can always sign the list before you so we shouldn’t count those days.

Me: So you should get to home those 3 days AND the other 2?

Token: No we should rotate those days.  You left on Sunday so now I can leave today.

Me: So… you get to leave early 4 days and I get one?  That is mighty generous of you.

Token: That’s fair.

Me: Of course you think it’s fair because it favors you.  You are so fucking selfish and inconsiderate and if you go back on this deal I will make it my mission to make you miserable.  I won’t care if I ever leave early as long as you and I are both here and you are miserable.

Token: Please don’t threaten me.

Me: I’m not threatening you – I’m just letting you know what your future holds if you fuck me over.

Token: Well I come in before you 3 of those days so I know you can’t leave early on those days anyway.

Me: I don’t need to come in before you to make you suffer. I will just have my friends, who normally don’t sign the list, sign it.  Then they will clock out and sit at the bar and drink while waiting for us both to get off at the same time.

Token: This deal doesn’t concern anyone else – just us two.  Why would you bring someone else into it?

Me: I’m not talking about the deal.  I’m talking about the consequences of you not keeping your word.  If you break your word by not honoring this deal then there is no deal.  Your a grown man and you should understand that your actions have repercussions.  I will use whatever means necessary to make you understand that by making you miserable.  Making people miserable is probably the only thing I am really good at.

Eventually, we walked away and ignored each other for the remainder of the night.  When it was time for the manager to cut the floor, she came up to me and told me I could leave.  Being an honest person, I told her that technically Token was first and I would ask him what he wanted to do.  I finished all my tables and approached him.  He started to argue with me again and I told him that I just needed to know what he wanted to do.  I also let him know that I meant everything I said earlier and that I just needed to know his choice.  Finally he said “Just fucking go, I don’t want you to make me miserable.” He purposely said it in a tone meant to evoke sympathy from me.  I said “OK.”  I finished my sidework and left.  On my way out, another server laughed and said that Token was over at the computer, cussing up a storm, saying stuff like “Fuck this, this is fucking bullshit, I should’ve left.”

A deal is a deal.

FYI: I probably would have just let him leave if he had come up to me and explained the situation – instead of just assuming that his needs are more important and purposely trying to screw me.

His life would be so much easier if he knew anything about diplomacy and didn’t have the charisma of a turd.

Two things can happen here:

1. You hear the server groan, roll her eyes, and she honors your ridiculous request and at the end of the meal you complain when it takes her 20 minutes to close your checks out. Your check might also even contain the wrong items, so you wait a little longer for her to get it corrected. A lot of the time all 15 people are paying with cash – which makes the server wish death on you all.

2. The server nicely (or even not nicely) refuses to do it, telling you the policy is one check for large parties. You and your 15 friends spend 5-10 minutes throwing some money or credit cards into a pile and pay your check. Some parties opt to split their check evenly by the number of people in the party. Some get their phone out to calculate the exact amount they owe (down to the penny). Others just round up and give an approximate amount per person – one person says “put whatever is left over on this card.”  Inevitably the person who puts the remainder on their card only tips on that portion. Hopefully the server included gratuity – otherwise, the tip will be something like $5 on $350 because the credit card amount was only $25 and the tip written in was $5.

You, having never worked in a restaurant, think to yourself.. what’s the big deal with separate checks – why do servers hate it so much? Is it really that difficult to separate a check? What is so hard about being a waitress – any moron can do it.

Let me begin by saying your server groans when you ask for separate checks because it says a lot about you. Your server assumes that you are cheap and already knows that you are annoying. But why?

- You are out with 15 of your oldest friends are all of you so cheap that you cant just divide the check evenly like civilized human beings?

- You are creating much more work for your server and this additional work will not be rewarded. People who require separate checks almost always leave shitty tips. If you are part of a large party and you server decides to include gratuity – she now has to add it to all 15 checks (instead of 1).  In this case, this is what is taking so long after you request your checks.

- You are not the server’s only table.  In fact, she probably has lots of other tables.  I could have a 15 top and 7 other tables.  I automatically have 8 checks open – separating your check into 15 checks would give me 22 open checks.  Having so many open checks gets confusing AND sometimes one check from the 15 top remains because no one claims  it and the server then forces someone else to pay it.

At this point, a lot of people say.. it still doesn’t sound difficult.  What’s the big deal?

The big deal is that there are 15 of you and 1 of me.  Is it easier for you to do the math- absolutely!  Not only is it easier but it is more efficient when you go to pay the check.  It will only take the server a couple of minutes to process your payment even if you give her a stack of credit cards to run.  If she has to close out 15 checks individually it will take much longer.  For instance, we have a cashier who closes our checks.  If all 15 people paid in cash it would probably take at least a minute each.  The cashier has to pull up the check on the computer, put in the amount you are paying, make change, and wait for the check to close and print.  There might also be other people in front of you waiting for their checks to be closed.  If everyone plans on paying in cash – just ask your server to break large bills and everyone pitch in some money.  It’s not rocket science.  Why are people so afraid of paying $1 more??  These are your closest friends?

Small parties that include families are the worst.  I hate to hear a family of four ask for separate checks – it’s horrible when a daughter asks for separate checks because she doesn’t want to accidently pay even a small amount for her mom’s food.  It just lacks class.  That’s your mom – buy her some food,  just pitch in some money, spilt the check evenly WHATEVER.  Just don’t be such a cheap loser that you need a separate check from your mom.

I know a lot of people think that servers who don’t separate checks are just slacking.  Really, telling people “No” to a request to inevitably gives them a worse dining experience makes them a better server.  They can then focus on performing more important tasks AND their other 8 tables.  When a server tells you “No separate checks” you should know that they are doing it for own good. Stop being a cheap fucking douche bag and let your server provide you with good service.

Also, you shouldn’t think your server is stupid … After all YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS TOO FUCKING RETARDED TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU OWE OR TOO CHEAP TO JUST THROW SOME MONEY IN.