Me: May I take your plate?
Man: If you want me to lick it I will.
Men: (realizing how dirty he sounded the man begins laughing like a lunatic)
Me: That won’t be necessary.
Men: Wait… I wasn’t talking about your vagina.
Me: I figured.

He was, at the very least, a pleasant and fun drunk. He joked a lot and skipped around like a leprechaun who had finally found their misplaced gold. He also put receipts behind his ears and roared like a dinosaur.

While watching him frolic around like Cooter Brown was both fun and entertaining, it really wasn’t professional or acceptable. Even though restaurants run themselves, him being so visibly intoxicated was just bad for business. He was escorted off property towards the end of his shift.

This situation left us minus one manager. The remaining managers have been working long hours and working 7 days a week for almost 2 months now – exactly why I would never be them. After scouring the face of the Earth (and possibly Mars) they have finally found what they deem to be a suitable replacement.

Because people within this industry change jobs frequently, it is simply impossible for anyone to start entirely anew. Someone from your new job ALWAYS knows someone from your last job. Past co-workers will spill all of your dirty little secrets long before you have a chance to do so yourself. With that said, our new manager has previously worked at several other locations on the strip and someone immediately recognized him. In an attempt to get him to spill his own dirt, I pretended to know someone he used to work with.

Me: Did you used to work at XXXX?
Him: Yes
Me: Oh, my friend John works there.
Him: Hmmmm…. Good old John.
Me: Yep, Good old John.
Him: Is he still mad at me?
Me: You’ll have to ask him yourself.
Him: What did he say about me?
Me: Nothing really.
Him: He didn’t say anything bad about me?
Me: He didn’t say anything positive.
Him: I’ll take that as a yes.

Later….

Me: So why do you think John doesn’t like you?
Him: You’ll have to ask him that.
Me: Touché

At 12:28 I walked up to him with a notepad in my hand and asked him the time. I jotted it down along with “Paul standing by the bar.” I showed him the pad of paper and told him I was going to record his every movement. He laughed and told me I was insane. I left shortly afterward.

Tonight was miserably slow so I had plenty of time (actually too much time) to track my manager’s every move. At first I recorded his actions by walking by him and waving the notepad in his face. He just shook his head and laughed. Eventually, I decided it would be more scientific to just record everything covertly and recap it for him at the end of my shift. Unfortunately, after four hours I got too busy to keep track of him closely but the below notes should give you a good idea of what he did for the first half of my shift.

6:45-6:52 Talking to another manager in the back
6:53-6:59 Standing at the hostess stand
7:06-7:11 Standing by the cashier
7:11-7:28 Unaccounted for, I couldn’t find him anywhere. I assume he was taking a giant shit in the casino bathroom.
7:28-7:35 Leaning against the bar
7:32 Picked up a piece of trash off the floor and went back to the bar
7:36-7:42 In the walk-in
7:44-7:56 In the office
7:46 Answers phone
7:50 Looks for something frantically in the filing cabinet
7:55 Argues loudly with a busser about the shortage of towels
8:00-8:09 Leans against the wall
8:09-8:13 Standing at the hostess stand
8:13-8:20 Standing behind the bar
8:20-8:24 Standing near the expo station
8:29-8:35 In the office
8:37-8:42 Leaning against the wall
8:42-unknown Expediting at the expo station
10:15-unknown doing inventory, ordering supplies

At the end of my shift I read the notes to him and asked him what the email address to corporate was.

If you are looking for a new way to fuck with a cool boss then I would highly recommend the above method. My advice is to not inform them beforehand though. Just surprise them with it at the end of your shift.

Unfortunately, the additional sugar did not deter the obese woman and in 5 more minutes she needed another refill.  This time we added even more grenadine – thinking there was no way it was even drinkable this time.  By this time, the couple’s food had arrived and they had begun eating.  She finished her drink shortly after her food arrived and requested another drink.  The bartender filled the glass over halfway with grenadine and topped it off with sprite.  I fully expected her to complain but she didn’t.  She drank the entire drink in two swallows and requested the check.  Her and her obese husband paid their bill, stiffed me, and wobbled away.

For the record, she had 5 drinks in 22 minutes.  We used almost half a bottle of grenadine.

I hope she enjoys her diabetes.

Later on while I was walking through Curly Sue’s section I overheard the following conversation:

Guest: I don’t think we have time to wait for our food

Curly Sue: Well, you thought you had time 5 minutes ago when you ordered it

Guest: We have tickets to the show

Curly Sue: You had tickets to the show 5 minutes ago, when you ordered your food, also

As a result of the “competing noises conundrum,” my manager went to investigate the noise level coming from down the hall. When he returned, we had the following conversation:

Him: Wow, it’s really loud tonight.  You can even hear it outside the building.

Me: Yeah, but the good news is that I just queefed at my table and they didn’t hear it.

Him: I don’t even know what to say.  That’s disgusting.

Me: (shrugging shoulders) eh.

I later had to confess that I did not in fact queef and am not talented enough to do so on command, while standing.

A limo was stopped at a red light while a bride to be, donning a white veil, and her friend were hanging out of the sunroof. Being drunk, like most slutty women who come to Vegas and attempt to get gang raped in an alley, they decided to entertain the crowd on the sidewalk by making out.  Having dealt with drunk women A LOT, I know they both were thinking they were being pretty sexy.  The bride begins rubbing her tits and blowing kisses, while the watching crowd encourages her by making cat calls.  Just as the limo is about to pull away someone throws a half-eaten cheeseburger and hits her square in the face.  Her face was covered in ketchup and mustard.  The crowd began to applaud and she started crying.  Wonder if she still felt sexy…

When his food arrived he commented on how much better the burger was this time and said “I guess next time I will have to give them the same instructions to make sure they get it right.”