Subject: So here’s some potential fodder for your blog.

I was gonna write it as a comment but didn’t want to risk getting fired!

Woman: (think drunk blanch (RIP) from golden girls) i want a burger well done.
Me: okay, would you like any fries or onion rings with that?
Woman: what, RICE??
Me: no, any FRIES or onion rings with that?
Woman: RICE?? why would i want RICE with my burger??
Me: no, FRIES, like FRENCH FRIES.
Woman: huh, RICE?
(her less drunk friend intervenes)
Woman: ooohhhh friiiiiiies. (looks to me) you gotta say it like friiiiiiies with a country accent.
Me: i cant say it like that, would you like any fries or not?

Then…
Man: (think drunk obnoxious old smelly new yorker) oh… where does your name tag say you’re from?
Me: Berkeley, CA sir.
Man: ooohhhh BURMA! i hear thats a beautiful country!
Me: yes, yes it is. would you like something to drink?

Wow I never thought me being Asian had such an effect on my tables!

Me: It’s probably not because you’re asian but more because you’re gay. LOL.

Gaysian: no, if it were about being gay then all my tables would make me call them captain and sir.

Me: I just reported you for spam.

Gaysian: why cause i’m gay, Asian or both?

Me: Both. I have to take a nap now. Stop being so Asian.

Gaysian: okay enjoy your nap. i’m gonna go paint myself orange and take a headless pic of me in my bathing suit. see u tonight!

Me: LOL. That would be awesome. Do it!

Note: You probably don’t get the last comment by Gaysian unless you work with us. If you do and you still don’t understand then ask someone who works nights.

Guest blog entry by “sick of serving.”

This afternoon in the middle of the lunch rush, 4 blue haired old biddies were sat in my section. Sometimes working lunch feels like the senior citizen bus dropped every one of them off to eat in your restaurant.

I approach the table and give them my welcome sch-peel and they obviously need more time and ask bunch of questions about the food.  Portion size, fry choices etc.  I go away to let them conspire against me and return later to get their order.

After all the time they were given these 4 obnoxious blue haired bitches order EXACTLY the same thing. No original thoughts here!  I’m surprised they weren’t wearing the same old biddie sparkle t-shirts with matching rhinestone Birkenstocks! After the order is recorded, biddie #3 informs me that they’ll be needing separate checks. Oh FUCKING BULLSHIT.  I know exactly what is about to happen here and I swear to anyone within earshot (my co-workers) that if they pay me in cash, I’m going to have a coronary right in front of their table! So, the experienced server that I am, I give her the mother-fucking “SLOW BLINK”.  I think she caught on because she countered it with the “YOU DON’T WANNA FUCK WITH ME GLARE”  Or maybe her pruned face just looks like that all the time.

At one point when I checked back in on them, bidde # 3 tells me her coke tastes different and is lighter in color. The dumb bitch let the ice melt in the half that was left because they took sooooooooo long to eat and now she thinks it tastes funny? DUH!  I offer nothing to her except my “smile”.  She’s a freakin’ idiot and I’m not playing with her.  Based on my previous experience with senior citizens,I’m fairly sure my tip, if any, will be bullshit so I’m not wasting my energy.  They finally finish their meal and I go get these 4 blue haired, bitch, whores their 4 separate checks.  I give them each one but tell them, it doesn’t matter who gets what as they’re all the same- just like the meals they ordered.

Are these women Rockefellers or Kennedys or Hiltons – if so I could understand their need for receipts. How else would their accountants do their taxes?  Maybe they need receipts to show their old fart, smelly husbands how much money they spent? Who the fuck knows why they do this.  Please, someone tell me!

I return to see if payment is on the table and what do I find?  4 receipts neatly stacked with CASH MONEY in between each receipt.  Before I can spit out, “do you need change for these?”  Biddie #3 says, “it’s all there, no need for change”

UGH! OH MY FUCKING GOD!  I’M GOING TO HAVE A CORONARY, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!  It would serve those twat bitches right. What is the point of separate checks if you have cash and don’t need change?  They can’t do math and figure out what they owe – they can’t divide the total by four?  In the end, the blue haired, bitch, whore, twats left me a total of $4.00  I guess that’s better than the $2.00 I got from the fucking Spanish people who I even got an interpreter for. Those mother fucking foreign cheap pieces of shit!

I’m vowing to myself to one day find and confront one of these morons that walks our planet and find out why they do this. It’s my quest. By the way, I’ve recovered and am living fully until my next coronary which at this rate will probably be tomorrow~