Two things can happen here:

1. You hear the server groan, roll her eyes, and she honors your ridiculous request and at the end of the meal you complain when it takes her 20 minutes to close your checks out. Your check might also even contain the wrong items, so you wait a little longer for her to get it corrected. A lot of the time all 15 people are paying with cash – which makes the server wish death on you all.

2. The server nicely (or even not nicely) refuses to do it, telling you the policy is one check for large parties. You and your 15 friends spend 5-10 minutes throwing some money or credit cards into a pile and pay your check. Some parties opt to split their check evenly by the number of people in the party. Some get their phone out to calculate the exact amount they owe (down to the penny). Others just round up and give an approximate amount per person – one person says “put whatever is left over on this card.”  Inevitably the person who puts the remainder on their card only tips on that portion. Hopefully the server included gratuity – otherwise, the tip will be something like $5 on $350 because the credit card amount was only $25 and the tip written in was $5.

You, having never worked in a restaurant, think to yourself.. what’s the big deal with separate checks – why do servers hate it so much? Is it really that difficult to separate a check? What is so hard about being a waitress – any moron can do it.

Let me begin by saying your server groans when you ask for separate checks because it says a lot about you. Your server assumes that you are cheap and already knows that you are annoying. But why?

- You are out with 15 of your oldest friends are all of you so cheap that you cant just divide the check evenly like civilized human beings?

- You are creating much more work for your server and this additional work will not be rewarded. People who require separate checks almost always leave shitty tips. If you are part of a large party and you server decides to include gratuity – she now has to add it to all 15 checks (instead of 1).  In this case, this is what is taking so long after you request your checks.

- You are not the server’s only table.  In fact, she probably has lots of other tables.  I could have a 15 top and 7 other tables.  I automatically have 8 checks open – separating your check into 15 checks would give me 22 open checks.  Having so many open checks gets confusing AND sometimes one check from the 15 top remains because no one claims  it and the server then forces someone else to pay it.

At this point, a lot of people say.. it still doesn’t sound difficult.  What’s the big deal?

The big deal is that there are 15 of you and 1 of me.  Is it easier for you to do the math- absolutely!  Not only is it easier but it is more efficient when you go to pay the check.  It will only take the server a couple of minutes to process your payment even if you give her a stack of credit cards to run.  If she has to close out 15 checks individually it will take much longer.  For instance, we have a cashier who closes our checks.  If all 15 people paid in cash it would probably take at least a minute each.  The cashier has to pull up the check on the computer, put in the amount you are paying, make change, and wait for the check to close and print.  There might also be other people in front of you waiting for their checks to be closed.  If everyone plans on paying in cash – just ask your server to break large bills and everyone pitch in some money.  It’s not rocket science.  Why are people so afraid of paying $1 more??  These are your closest friends?

Small parties that include families are the worst.  I hate to hear a family of four ask for separate checks – it’s horrible when a daughter asks for separate checks because she doesn’t want to accidently pay even a small amount for her mom’s food.  It just lacks class.  That’s your mom – buy her some food,  just pitch in some money, spilt the check evenly WHATEVER.  Just don’t be such a cheap loser that you need a separate check from your mom.

I know a lot of people think that servers who don’t separate checks are just slacking.  Really, telling people “No” to a request to inevitably gives them a worse dining experience makes them a better server.  They can then focus on performing more important tasks AND their other 8 tables.  When a server tells you “No separate checks” you should know that they are doing it for own good. Stop being a cheap fucking douche bag and let your server provide you with good service.

Also, you shouldn’t think your server is stupid … After all YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS TOO FUCKING RETARDED TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU OWE OR TOO CHEAP TO JUST THROW SOME MONEY IN.

- You can sleep until noon EVERYDAY and take a nap later if you want.

- You make good money tolerating people who are complete assholes and at the end of the day you don’t have to see the same assholes again. If you are a judge, lawyer, doctor etc. you have might make more money but you have to put up with the same assholes for an extended period of time, pay off a fortune in student loans, and work really long hours.

- You can work an average of 6 hours a day, very very seldom working a full 8 hours.

- You have no real sense of responsibility for your workplace when you are away. You do not care about what is going on when you aren’t there. This allows you to call in or give shifts away and go to the beach for a few days whenever you want. You can also request additional days off a couple of times a month if working 30 hours a week turns out to be too much for you.

- Time goes by faster when you are moving around as opposed to sitting hunched over a desk crunching numbers or pretending to crunch numbers while surfing the web for scat pics.

- Drinking after work isn’t optional but mandatory. If you don’t stay after work and drink with your co-workers on occasion you are shunned. Sometimes the drinking can last until the wee hours of the morning – when you drive yourself home drunk while everyone is commuting to their 9-5 jobs.

- If you have a child then waiting tables allows you to see your child more frequently or at least choose the hours you see them. For instance, working nights allows you to see them during the day when they are awake for a longer period of time.

- Most servers don’t have to think about what to wear or purchase an extensive wardrobe. Your uniform is provided and you wear it every day. Sure, the uniforms aren’t flattering on most people but they are free. Also, you don’t have to wear uncomfortable dress shoes like office workers – most servers work in sneakers.

- While waiting tables does sometimes provide you with an opportunity to move into management most people don’t bother because everyone knows that majority of servers make more money than the management staff. This means that you don’t have to try to screw or impress your boss in an effort to get promoted. No promotion = No ass kissing. Just go to work, perform your job correctly, and go home until your next shift.

- Waiting tables is an excellent way to pay for college. In fact, I paid my way through college and remain debt free – unlike students who take out loans and owe over $20k when they graduate.

- Working in a restaurant allows you to talk like a trucker – allowing you to use words like “cunt, pussy, cock, snatch etc.” – and modified forms of these words. You can also talk extensively about your vagina, manscaping, ass-to-mouth, and pretty much any other topics normally taboo in office environments.

- Waiting tables allows you to use all your black jokes and other stereotype related jokes. Of course, make sure the person you are making them at isn’t a total douche who can’t take a joke.

So… Like most people I like parts of my job.

Lot of people ask servers out because for some reason humping a waitress is a common male fantasy (even females and couples hit on remotely attractive servers).

Of course, you will always have people that tip the same amount – regardless of the amount of the check or the service they receive. I gather this is because they only completed 4th grade and never learned how to compute percentages. They have therefore decided to just tip $4 or $5 every single time or stiff you completely if they send the food back because they don’t know how to read a menu or order steak cooked the way they prefer.

Others might not be able to afford to tip. In which case, they should stay home with their mullet-sporting, leg-brace wearing kids (like my mom did).

I hope this answer helps but I seriously doubt it will because shitty tippers cannot really be generalized.

I’m sure they have their reasons – you should just revel in the fact that you had the privilege of waiting on them and forget the fact that you were not properly rewarded.  Knowing you do a good job is far more important than paying your bills. When your electric bill is due just mail them a letter that says:

“Thanks for the electricity, you guys are doing a fantastic job! I really enjoyed the cool A.C. – it kept my balls from sticking to my leg all month long. Keep up the good work!”

- If you are unhappy with something that is free- like bread… just don’t eat it.

- If you are unhappy because your food contains something that was clearly stated in the menu but you opted to just skim over that part and you choose to complain and have your food replaced – tip extra for being a douche. If you have to send it back because of an allergy and the item was mentioned on the menu then you should be shot. If the item wasn’t mentioned then it is not the fault of the server but instead the lazy and inconsiderate management staff and chef who prepared the menu descriptions, without considering your life.

- If the food is improperly prepared or seasoned and it is the fault of the kitchen then send it back as soon as you notice. Servers do not mind returning your food and chewing the kitchen out. Do not wait until you have eaten more than half of the meal and then suddenly refuse to eat it. There is no excuse for this and if you wait until you have eaten every last morsel then you shouldn’t be compensated, instead you should be cooter punched.

- Do not send something back that is properly seasoned and was properly described on the menu, i.e. sending back buffalo wings for being too spicy.

Live and learn. Menu descriptions are there for a reason – read them. If you have additional questions or allergies ask your server. No one is going to lie – they don’t want to hear you bitch about it when you get the food. Also, servers know what foods get sent back more often, therefore they can tell you what the general public opinion of any menu item is.

Be warned though… no server likes to hear “so…what’s good” – only to be completely disregarded. Instead try something like “Do most people like…?” If you can’t decide between two items – ask your server. Keep in mind, you and your server might have different tastes so just ask them which one is more popular.