P.S. This list is in no particular order.

1. You aren’t as funny as you think you are.

Hello, Mr. Funny Guy. Can’t resist the urge to crack a joke before ordering your beverage/meal/side of gravy. Guess what fuckface, I’ve heard that joke at least 1000 times. It wasn’t funny the first time and it is even less funny now. Laughing at your fucktarded jokes isn’t in my job description so if I don’t laugh, it’s because you aren’t funny. It’s not my fault that you aren’t funny. Some people just aren’t funny. Blame God, not me.

2. Oh, you are in a hurry?

So.. you waited until 45 minutes before your show begins to come into a restaurant and order your food. You tell the waitress that you are in a rush because you have show tickets. Do you know who else does this? Every motherfucker in the restaurant right now. You see that line of people, waiting for tables, even those fuckwads didn’t have the foresight to know that it takes more than 45 minutes to dine at a restaurant right before a show begins. You are on vacation. You should have plenty of time to get to the restaurant of your choosing and have a nice leisurely meal before the show begins. Instead, you wait until the last second – figuring you will just pop in for a quick bite to eat. When you tell me that you are in a rush, I will do everything I can to accommodate you – excluding placing your order before the people who arrived before you. I will not make others suffer because you are too dumb to allow yourself a reasonable time to have dinner. I will make sure you have everything you need before you get your food and even drop your check before or with your meal.

When I make suggestions for food that comes out quickly and you order a well done steak instead, I couldn’t care less if you miss the entire show. In fact, I hope you do. Plan better next time and don’t penalize me because you can’t tell time.

3. Sit the fuck down.

When the hostess seats you somewhere, sit the fuck down already. Stop looking around for a better table and stop being paranoid that the hostess is purposely seating you in a table that you will be unhappy with. The hostess is seating you there because the table fits your party size, is clean and available, and the server is able to attend to your needs in a timely manner. If you insist on moving to another table and receive bad service, you should know that you probably brought it on yourself and you deserve it. Perhaps the server whose station you moved to wasn’t ready for another table because they just got two others.

4. Hang up the phone.

So, the president calls you right before you sit down for dinner in a restaurant. Excuse yourself and take the call outside OR sit at the table and be ignored by your server until you hang up the phone. It’s rude to talk on the phone at the dinner table. It’s also rude to interrupt someone who is talking on the phone. If your call is that urgent then you should understand that you probably won’t be greeted until you hang up the phone – even if it takes 20 minutes. Don’t get all butthurt when I don’t even make eye contact before you hang up the phone.

5. I’m not on the menu.

Don’t be that guy that insists on hitting on every waitress. I’m sure some waitresses are slutty like that but most aren’t. Even unattractive waitresses get hit on frequently. Once someone politely declines your advances, stop embarrassing yourself and shut the fuck up already. Chances are if the waitress was interested in you, they would give you their number or just go to your room and give you a blowjob. I know it seems statistically improbable but I did work with a slutty waitress who went upstairs and serviced 3 men. It wasn’t because they suggested it. It was because she was a dirty slut with horribly low self-esteem and a thing for English men who don’t tip. Also, worth noting: If you don’t adequately tip your server, don’t leave your number. We will spend all night exacting our revenge by prank calling you. We’re immature like that.

Coffee Switching
In most restaurants, after 8 p.m. or so, all the coffee is decaf because no one wants to clean two different coffeepots. I’ll bring out a tray with 12 coffees on it and give some to the customers who ordered regular, others to the ones who ordered decaf. But they’re all decaf.
-Charity Ohlund

I’m sure every server has been guilty of this at some point. I’ve even seen servers run out of coffee and top it off with hot water. I usually don’t do this but I won’t hesitate to microwave coffee that isn’t piping hot (it takes 10 minutes for a new pot and I usually don’t have time to wait). I have never given someone regular coffee that requested decaf but may have topped off regular coffee with decaf once of twice.

Additional Sugar in Kid’s Meals
We put sugar in our kids’ meals so kids will like them more. Seriously. We even put extra sugar in the dough for the kids’ pizzas.
-Waitress at a well-known pizza chain

I have no idea how adding more sugar to something like french fries or a grilled cheese sandwich is even possible. I’ve seen how limited children’s menus are. I know they are mostly deep fried and void of any nutritional value already. I could see adding more fat but sugar? Seems far-fetched to me.

Vegetarian Options
If you’re a vegetarian and you ask if we use vegetable stock, I’m going to say yes, even if we don’t. You’ll never know the difference.

Most servers will be honest when you ask a direct question about vegetarian options – unless you are rude. Even if you are rude, I will still be honest when you ask me a direct question. I may, however, pretend to not pick up on the fact that you are vegetarian and allow you to order something that contains meat if you are rude to me. My awesome listening skills are reserved for people who are nice and considerate.

The Specials Aren’t That Special
At a lot of restaurants, the special is whatever they need to sell before it goes bad. Especially watch out for the soup of the day. If it contains fish or if it’s some kind of ‘gumbo,’ it’s probably the stuff they’re trying to get rid of.
-Kathy Kniss, who waited tables for ten years in Los Angeles

I agree with this fact. Our restaurant orders stuff especially for specials but a lot of places don’t do this. When things are about to expire, we have specials that are even more special.

Everyone Fondles The Lemons
Now that I’ve worked in a restaurant, I never ask for lemon in a drink. Everybody touches them. Nobody washes them. We just peel the stickers off, cut them up, and throw them in your iced tea.
-Charity Ohlund, Kansas City waitress

Yes, when staff members cut lemons, they do touch them. I doubt they are washed before or after. When the servers get them, though, we generally use tongs – bartenders almost never use tongs and they wash their hands less frequently.

Calorie Counting
If you ask me how many calories are in a particular dish, I’m not allowed to tell you even if I know. I’m supposed to say, ‘All that information is available online.’
-Waitress at a well-known pizza chain

I doubt anyone knows the calorie count of any dish. I’ve never heard of not being able to tell someone if you were some freak who happened to know.

General rules:
if it’s in a restaurant, it’s a lot.
if it’s fried, it’s more.
if you’re on a diet, stay home or eat somewhere with healthy choices and calories noted on the menu.

Credit Card Declined
I’ve never seen anybody do anything to your food, but I have seen servers mess with your credit card. If a server doesn’t like you, he might try to embarrass you in front of your business associate or date by bringing your credit card back and saying, ‘Do you have another card? This one didn’t go through.’?-Charity Ohlund

I have seen some people & heard some stories of people doing stuff to your food (not at my current employers since we have food runners). In every case, it was because the customer was a complete jerkwad. I’m not saying it was deserved, I’m just saying that you should consider being nice to your server. I guess I could see someone attempting to embarrass you by pretending your credit card is declined but I have never witnessed it. It seems like a dumb idea since it prevents you from getting an annoying person out of your station right away.

The Skinny on Skim Milk
Skim milk is almost never skim milk. Very few restaurants outside Starbucks carry whole milk, 2 percent milk, skim milk, and half-and-half; it’s just not practical.
-Chris

Why wouldn’t the server just tell you what type of milk is available (i.e. we only have 2% milk)?

Salad Dressing Isn’t Made In-house
Some places buy salad dressings in one-gallon jars, then add a few ingredients, like a blue cheese crumble or fresh herbs, and call it homemade on the menu.
-Former waiter Jake Blanton, who spent ten years in restaurants in Virginia, North Carolina, and California

First of all, Hidden Valley Ranch is the shit. How can you top that? Yes, we do use it but we never lie about it and claim that we make it ourselves. Places that do probably use the powder that you just add milk and mayo to.

Hot Tea
The single greatest way to get your waiter to hate you? Ask for hot tea. For some reason, an industry that’s managed to streamline everything else hasn’t been able to streamline that. You’ve got to get a pot, boil the water, get the lemons, get the honey, bring a cup and spoon. It’s a lot of work for little reward.
-Christopher Fehlinger, maître d’ at a popular New York City restaurant

I love hot tea, with breakfast or when I have a cold. I only order it at places that are known for breakfast though- like Ihop or Denny’s. I hate making it and so does every other server on the planet.

Pooling Tips
In many restaurants, the tips are pooled, so if you have a bad experience with the server, you’re stiffing the bartender who made your drinks, the water boy who poured your water, sometimes the hostess, the food runners, and maybe the other waiters.
-Christopher Fehlinger

This really doesn’t matter. You tip the waiter based on your experience and your experience is based primarily on the interaction you have with them. Regardless of how tips are distributed your tip should be the same.

One thing that you should really know is that the IRS assumes the server makes a certain amount in tips per hour (sometimes a percentage of their sales). If you stiff your server then they are being taxed on money that they didn’t even make. Plus, they usually have to give money to support staff (based on their sales) that they didn’t even make by waiting on you.

Eggs From a Powder
Even at the best breakfast buffet in the world, 99 times out of 100, the big pan of scrambled eggs is made from a powder.
-Jake Blanton

I’ve never worked at a buffet and those eggs always gross me out – this explains why.

Blaming the Server
People think that just because your food took a long time, it’s the server’s fault. Nine times out of ten, it’s the kitchen. Or it’s the fact that you ordered a well-done burger.
-Judi Santana

It is almost always the kitchen’s fault or your own for ordering something extra, extra well done or with ridiculously complex special instructions.

Not Your Wife
When you’re with the woman who’s not your wife, you’re a lot nicer to us, probably because you know that we know it’s not your wife.
-Caroline Radaj, waitress at a members-only club outside Milwaukee

Not sure this is even true.

Become A Regular
It’s much easier to be recognized as a regular on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays. Once you’re recognized as a regular, good things start to happen. You’ll find your wineglass gets filled without being put on your bill, or the chef might bring you a sample.
-Christopher Fehlinger

Being a regular doesn’t mean that you get free shit. It’s still a business. I can still get fired for giving away stuff instead of selling it. You will get better service if you are a regular, who tips well. If you are a regular who is a constant pain in the ass, I will go to the hostess stand and seat you in someone else’s station. If you ask for a table in my station, I will lie and say I’m about to take a break or leave for the day. Then I will walk by you every five minutes until you figure out that I lied.

Holiday Diners
Avoid Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day like the black plague. It’s crazy busy, so they’re not going to be able to pay as much attention to quality. Plus, they bring out a special menu where everything is overpriced.
-Steve Dublanica

True. Take your special someone out on a day that isn’t so cliche. The same goes for Friday and Saturday nights.

Order For Your Child
If the restaurant is busy and your child is shy, please order for him. Kids can sit there forever trying to decide, or they whisper and you can’t hear them. Meanwhile, the people at the next table are yelling at you to come over.
-Derek Dudley, a waiter at a casual pizza restaurant in Phoenix

Discuss dining options with your kid before you get to the restaurant. Order for him/her if they are hard to understand or too shy to speak up. Also, don’t let them run around or make a mess.

Tipping
The best tippers tend to be middle-class or people who have worked for everything they have, not the really wealthy or the kid who inherited the trust fund. Which is not to say that we mind if you use coupons. But when you do, tip on the amount the bill would have been without them.
-Judi Santana

All true. Tip on the pre-discounted amount. Also, when you pay part of the check in cash and the remainder on the card, tip on the ENTIRE total.

For instance: $100 check
$50 in cash
$50 on card.
Person with card automatically puts 20% on the credit card amount, not factoring in the fact that the entire bill was $100. This means the tip is $10 instead of $20.

Happens all.the.time.

Tipping – First Dates
First dates, especially blind Internet dates, are great for tips. You know he’ll probably order a bottle of wine and leave a 20 to 25 percent tip because he’s showing off.
-Jeremy Burton, waiter at a grill in southwest Michigan

You know who tips better? Single men with attractive waitresses.

Ordering Fish
Don’t order fish on Sunday or Monday. The fish deliveries are usually twice a week, so Tuesday through Friday are great days. Or ask the restaurant when they get theirs.
-Steve Dublanica

I don’t see the big deal. You would buy fish at the market and cook it at your house two days later, right?

If you work in the industry, I would love to hear your feedback regarding these secrets. Have you done any of this stuff? Do you agree/disagree with any of these?

All in all, this list was pretty fucking boring.  My next post will be “20 Secrets That Other Waiters Won’t Tell You.”

I should tell you first that I am horrible at fake flirting. I am not one of those servers who knows how to bat her eyelashes and flirt with octogenarians in an effort to make them part with their cash. While this is a skill admired by some, I kind of feel like it crosses a line that I’m not comfortable crossing. I’m sure if I didn’t hold this philosophy then I could easily learn how to fake flirt because I am simply awesome at everything I do.

I’m a waitress not a call girl. I wait tables not sell hand jobs for $20 (I’m honestly not sure how much a proper hand job should cost but someone once told me they pay $20). I’m not at work to flirt or lead desperate men to believe that after closing they can return and finger-bang me at the hostess stand. I also have no interest in giving out my number so I can “hook up” later. I know everyone wants to bone a waitress but flirting with me is a waste of time. Once I blow off the first feeble attempt I kind of feel like the guy should get the point. In order to save him the forthcoming embarrassment he should just shut the fuck up already. If a guy doesn’t get the point then I will say something that brings him so much shame that he really has no choice but to leave or be very quiet for the remainder of the meal. Then, of course, I pray that one of his friends pay the bill because the shaming of his friend will double my tip.

With that said, the flirting was harmless enough and it was pretty easy to ignore. When the group of guys left they tipped 50% ($40 on an $80 check). The busser hands me a scrap of paper from the table after they leave. It said:

Michael (the guy in the blue shirt)

You are cute:

Room # XXXX

Sure, it’s pretty common to get a guy’s number on the table. A lot of the time the note won’t even tell you which guy. I had one guy leave his number with no description and he was with 15 friends. The one thing that really amused me about this particular note was the fact that this guy didn’t even leave a phone number – just a room number. I’m thinking what kind of fucking dirtbag move is that? Does he think I’m just going to show up there, wearing nothing but an apron? How fucking desperate would I have to be to show up at all? The guy noticed how cute I am… so it’s pretty unlikely to happen.

My advice for guys who want to try this: do it to an ugly chick because they have much lower standards. Also, call dibs and tell your friends they have to abstain from flirting with her. You wouldn’t want all the attention to go to her head and decrease the probability of penetration.

I check back on my guests several times.  The first time I check back is when their food arrives to make sure they don’t need any additional condiments and to make sure their food arrived correctly.  Then I check back again after everyone has tried at least two bites of their food to make sure their food tastes good and is properly cooked.  Besides these two times I walk past them several times checking for signs of dissatisfaction and refilling beverages as needed.  Like I said: I give people ample time to make their complaints known prior to the consumption of their entire meal.  That’s why it never ceases to amaze me the number of people who eat every fucking morsel of their food and then complain that something was missing, cooked incorrectly, or tasted horrible.

In most cases there isn’t a hell of a lot I can do to rectify the situation since I have no way to prove their claim.  I deal with so many fucktards who have so many retarded complaints in a day that it becomes difficult to determine who is a lying twat seeking a free meal and who has an actual legitimate complaint.

Don’t Like The Food?
If you hate the food why the fuck would you eat all of it and then say “That was the grossest meal I’ve ever had.”  What kind of fucking person does that?  Sorry, big boy… you ate the entire fucking meal there is nothing I can do for you.  You should have complained immediately and I would have replaced your meal with something else.  If you are in a time crunch then you could have just eaten a small amount and I probably wouldn’t have made you pay for it.  You didn’t though.  Instead you ate the entire fucking meal, licked the plate, and then passive-aggressively complained like a little bitch.  If it was good enough for you to shovel down your throat in 2 minutes then it’s good enough for you pay for.

Improper Cooking Temperatures
Why would you eat your entire burger and then tell me that it was improperly cooked when you could have just as easily have told me during one of the many times I checked on you.  Chances are your burger was properly prepared and you are just a fucktard who doesn’t know proper cooking temperatures.  Either way, If you let me know before you devour the entire burger I can do something about it – like have it cooked to your liking or even take the time to explain cooking temperatures to you so you avoid the problem in the future.  If you wait until you eat the entire thing I really no longer give a fuck about your complaint.  Inevitably you end your complaint by telling me “make sure the chef knows,” or “pass this along to the chef.”  Something you should know is that most servers will just ignore your complaint and not relay the message to the chef because there is no way to tell if it’s legitimate or not.  This is because guests often tell us their burgers are improperly cooked when in fact they are perfected cooked.  These people are just used to eating at chain restaurants that serve their shit well done and call it medium well.  These chain restaurants won’t even serve their meat with the slightest amount of pink in it because the quality of the beef is poor and the people preparing it probably don’t have a degree in culinary arts.

Something Is Missing?
The kitchen screws up on tiny things all day long.  It’s a fast paced job and it’s easy to overlook small items, like extra avocado or a side of ranch.  If this happens then you should let your server know that something is missing as soon as you notice.  It will only take 90 seconds to fix the problem in most cases.  My absolute favorite is when cheese is missing from a sandwich.  The reason it’s my favorite is because so many people are too fucking retarded to correctly identify cheese.  I hate when people wait until the end of their meal to tell me there is no cheese because most of the time there was in fact cheese and I missed an opportunity to point it out to them.  Here is a classic example:

Four asians order four burgers, one with blue cheese.  The lady eats several bites of her burger before flagging me down to tell me there is no cheese on her burger.  There is in fact cheese on her burger and I can see it without even asking her to lift the bun.

Me: There is cheese.  It’s right there.

Lady: right where?

Me: Right there.  That white stuff hanging off the side.

Lady: I no see.

Me: (I take her fork and poke it) Right there.

Lady: That cheese?

Me: Yes, that’s cheese.

Lady: (Lifts her bun to see the entire patty covered in the mysterious white substance) Hmmmmmm. That blue cheese?

Me: Yes.

Lady: I thought it something else.

The above conversation happens 95% of the time when someone says there is no cheese on their burger. I know it seems strange because cheese is something that should be obvious – especially blue cheese since it has such a strong taste.  The truth is people just lose all common sense when dining out and turn into fucking retards.

One particular advancement within the industry is the “course line”  key.  In most places, servers are required to use this to indicate to the kitchen the order in which the food is supposed to arrive at the table.  For instance, if you ring in a starter you would then hit the course line key.  This would place a line on the screen that says course 2 and indicate to the kitchen that everything above the line should come out first.  This feature prevents servers from forgetting to fire courses and puts the expo in charge of making sure the food is appropriately spaced.  Like all systems, this works out most of the time and fails others.  Here is an example:

An older couple came in this evening.  They both ordered wine and some food to share.  Their food consisted of a salad, which was requested to arrive first with an extra bowl.  They also wanted to share a rare burger, cut in half, and some fries.  Upon completing their order, the woman said “The salad will come out first, right?”  I assured her that it would and then rang their order in.  Their salad arrived a couple of minutes later and they began eating it.  About 10 minutes later they had eaten 75% of it and the remainder of their food arrived.  They looked outraged.  I went over to the table and the nice couple had been replaced with two raging fucking lunatics.

The lady looked at me and said “Well… they brought the burger out.  I specifically asked for my salad to arrive first.  They messed up BIG TIME.”  I explained that the salad did in fact come out first and that normally burgers come out 10-15 minutes later (depending on cooking temp) and sometimes there might be a slight overlap.  I then asked her if she wanted me to remove the burger until she was finished with her salad.  She replies “Why? So you can put it under a heat lamp until I am ready.  If I wanted to eat at McDonald’s I would have.”  She had previously been so nice that I was astounded by her transformation into a mega-cunt.  I offered to have another burger cooked from scratch and she just glared at me with such disdain that all I could say is “What is it that you would like me to do to resolve the situation?” The husband replied “There is nothing you can do. We will be fine.”  He then shooed me away.

I walked by a couple of times to make sure their drinks were full and once they had emptied some of their plates I offered to remove them.  The woman looked at me like I had just fucked her dead husband’s corpse right in front of her and said “What you can do is stay away from us.”  Having immense PMS forced me to begin laughing out loud and I walked away.  I told my manager how pissed the table was and he replied “Why, did you queef on them?”  I waited to go back to the table until the guy flagged me down for the check and requested a box.  When I returned with his credit card slip he said “You tell your kitchen they messed up BIG TIME and they know it!” I told him I would pass the message along, smiled, and told him to have a wonderful night.

Some people are just rude cocksuckers and nothing you do will ever make them happy but if you want to make them really unhappy be overly nice and cheerful to them while they are pissed off over something minute, inconsequential, and ridiculously fucking petty.

When people ask me what the difference is between Kobe beef and Angus beef I tell them one of the main differences is the Kobe beef has a higher fat content, making it juicier.  I also tell them that the more they cook it, the less they notice the difference since the fat cooks away.  Three out of five times the person still orders their burger to at least medium well - Some still insist on me bringing them a ‘hockey puck.’

The truth is, in life and in beef a fucking hockey puck is a hockey puck.  If you are going to cook your meat to a point that it is now beef jerkey you might as well as eat at fucking McDonalds.  You shouldn’t come in and complain about our high prices when you are destroying our high quality beef with your shitty cooking preferences. This applies to you Canada.

Since I work on the Las Vegas strip during a down economy I wait on A LOT of Canadians.  Apparently, nothing scares a Canadian more than undercooked beef.  In fact, a large portion of my day is spent explaining cooking temperatures to people who sometimes reply “It is illegal to serve beef not fully cooked, how can you guys stay open?”  On a good day I can simply ignore these twats and slow blink but in most cases it takes every ounce of my being to not bludgeon them to death with a nearby chair.  So for your convenience Canada I have written some cooking temperatures below, as well as some other things you might want to know about consuming beef in restaurants within the U.S.

Dear Canada,

Please note the following for correct cooking temperatures within the U.S.

Rare: Brown on the outside, red/raw throughout.

Medium Rare: Brown on the outside, pink throughout, with a cool red center.

Medium: Brown on the outside, pink throughout.

Medium-Well: Brown on the outside, mostly cooked throughout with a slight amount of pink.

Well: Cooked throughout, no pink

Hockey Puck: Burnt to a crisp with an outer shell of hard crunchy stuff including grill scrapings and the cook’s pubes, cooked throughout without a trace of moisture (except maybe saliva and snot).  The saliva and snot is mostly noticeable if you sent back your fully cooked well done burger and needed it cooked more.

Also, note:

No, it is not illegal for me to serve you undercooked meat.  We are in the U.S. not some 3rd world country where the meat is actually a stray dog that had been limping in the alley.

Yes, as a matter of fact I have heard of “Jack in the Box”  - Where in 1993 a strain of E.Coli (or e colleee as Larry King would say) infected hundreds of unsuspecting diners and killed 4 children.  First of all, “Jack in the Box,” other fast food establishments, and most sit down chain restaurants, use a lower quality beef.  Because of this they choose to fully cook their beef to a higher temperature since they can’t afford to be sued for $10 million like Jack in the Box was.  This is their choice.

These places are owned by corporations that offer you low prices by getting their meat in bulk from some food service company who purchases their meat from somewhere else.  It is unlikely that the person serving the meat can tell you where it was raised or slaughtered.  The manager doesn’t know and neither does the fucking delivery driver dropping the meat off.  No one gives a fuck either because they are going to cook the shit out of it and cover it with cheese and mayonnaise so you won’t give a fuck either.

If this is the way you are used to getting your meat within the U.S then you are probably accustomed  to eating at low end dining establishments or visiting places where hillbillies are grown.  Even shitty local bars in Las Vegas will cook your burger as rare as you like it.  Some chain restaurants will also serve you rare beef, like Ruby Tuesday’s or you can order a medium rare burger at Fuddrucker’s which more than likely will not be cooked correctly.

The point is: Don’t argue with your fucking server about cooking temperatures because you simply don’t know what the fuck you are talking about and it is annoying, you little fuck.  Also, when I take the extra time to explain cooking temperatures… how about you take the time to listen?  Shut the fuck up and stop arguing with your fat , balding, blue-eye-shadow-wearing wife about whether or not you can afford two orders of fries or have to split one and pay fucking attention.

Then I won’t have to hear your bitch ass complain about how your burger isn’t cooked the way you ordered it.

Thanks, your cooperation is appreciated.

Two things can happen here:

1. You hear the server groan, roll her eyes, and she honors your ridiculous request and at the end of the meal you complain when it takes her 20 minutes to close your checks out. Your check might also even contain the wrong items, so you wait a little longer for her to get it corrected. A lot of the time all 15 people are paying with cash – which makes the server wish death on you all.

2. The server nicely (or even not nicely) refuses to do it, telling you the policy is one check for large parties. You and your 15 friends spend 5-10 minutes throwing some money or credit cards into a pile and pay your check. Some parties opt to split their check evenly by the number of people in the party. Some get their phone out to calculate the exact amount they owe (down to the penny). Others just round up and give an approximate amount per person – one person says “put whatever is left over on this card.”  Inevitably the person who puts the remainder on their card only tips on that portion. Hopefully the server included gratuity – otherwise, the tip will be something like $5 on $350 because the credit card amount was only $25 and the tip written in was $5.

You, having never worked in a restaurant, think to yourself.. what’s the big deal with separate checks – why do servers hate it so much? Is it really that difficult to separate a check? What is so hard about being a waitress – any moron can do it.

Let me begin by saying your server groans when you ask for separate checks because it says a lot about you. Your server assumes that you are cheap and already knows that you are annoying. But why?

- You are out with 15 of your oldest friends are all of you so cheap that you cant just divide the check evenly like civilized human beings?

- You are creating much more work for your server and this additional work will not be rewarded. People who require separate checks almost always leave shitty tips. If you are part of a large party and you server decides to include gratuity – she now has to add it to all 15 checks (instead of 1).  In this case, this is what is taking so long after you request your checks.

- You are not the server’s only table.  In fact, she probably has lots of other tables.  I could have a 15 top and 7 other tables.  I automatically have 8 checks open – separating your check into 15 checks would give me 22 open checks.  Having so many open checks gets confusing AND sometimes one check from the 15 top remains because no one claims  it and the server then forces someone else to pay it.

At this point, a lot of people say.. it still doesn’t sound difficult.  What’s the big deal?

The big deal is that there are 15 of you and 1 of me.  Is it easier for you to do the math- absolutely!  Not only is it easier but it is more efficient when you go to pay the check.  It will only take the server a couple of minutes to process your payment even if you give her a stack of credit cards to run.  If she has to close out 15 checks individually it will take much longer.  For instance, we have a cashier who closes our checks.  If all 15 people paid in cash it would probably take at least a minute each.  The cashier has to pull up the check on the computer, put in the amount you are paying, make change, and wait for the check to close and print.  There might also be other people in front of you waiting for their checks to be closed.  If everyone plans on paying in cash – just ask your server to break large bills and everyone pitch in some money.  It’s not rocket science.  Why are people so afraid of paying $1 more??  These are your closest friends?

Small parties that include families are the worst.  I hate to hear a family of four ask for separate checks – it’s horrible when a daughter asks for separate checks because she doesn’t want to accidently pay even a small amount for her mom’s food.  It just lacks class.  That’s your mom – buy her some food,  just pitch in some money, spilt the check evenly WHATEVER.  Just don’t be such a cheap loser that you need a separate check from your mom.

I know a lot of people think that servers who don’t separate checks are just slacking.  Really, telling people “No” to a request to inevitably gives them a worse dining experience makes them a better server.  They can then focus on performing more important tasks AND their other 8 tables.  When a server tells you “No separate checks” you should know that they are doing it for own good. Stop being a cheap fucking douche bag and let your server provide you with good service.

Also, you shouldn’t think your server is stupid … After all YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS TOO FUCKING RETARDED TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU OWE OR TOO CHEAP TO JUST THROW SOME MONEY IN.

Lot of people ask servers out because for some reason humping a waitress is a common male fantasy (even females and couples hit on remotely attractive servers).

Of course, you will always have people that tip the same amount – regardless of the amount of the check or the service they receive. I gather this is because they only completed 4th grade and never learned how to compute percentages. They have therefore decided to just tip $4 or $5 every single time or stiff you completely if they send the food back because they don’t know how to read a menu or order steak cooked the way they prefer.

Others might not be able to afford to tip. In which case, they should stay home with their mullet-sporting, leg-brace wearing kids (like my mom did).

I hope this answer helps but I seriously doubt it will because shitty tippers cannot really be generalized.

I’m sure they have their reasons – you should just revel in the fact that you had the privilege of waiting on them and forget the fact that you were not properly rewarded.  Knowing you do a good job is far more important than paying your bills. When your electric bill is due just mail them a letter that says:

“Thanks for the electricity, you guys are doing a fantastic job! I really enjoyed the cool A.C. – it kept my balls from sticking to my leg all month long. Keep up the good work!”

- If you are unhappy with something that is free- like bread… just don’t eat it.

- If you are unhappy because your food contains something that was clearly stated in the menu but you opted to just skim over that part and you choose to complain and have your food replaced – tip extra for being a douche. If you have to send it back because of an allergy and the item was mentioned on the menu then you should be shot. If the item wasn’t mentioned then it is not the fault of the server but instead the lazy and inconsiderate management staff and chef who prepared the menu descriptions, without considering your life.

- If the food is improperly prepared or seasoned and it is the fault of the kitchen then send it back as soon as you notice. Servers do not mind returning your food and chewing the kitchen out. Do not wait until you have eaten more than half of the meal and then suddenly refuse to eat it. There is no excuse for this and if you wait until you have eaten every last morsel then you shouldn’t be compensated, instead you should be cooter punched.

- Do not send something back that is properly seasoned and was properly described on the menu, i.e. sending back buffalo wings for being too spicy.

Live and learn. Menu descriptions are there for a reason – read them. If you have additional questions or allergies ask your server. No one is going to lie – they don’t want to hear you bitch about it when you get the food. Also, servers know what foods get sent back more often, therefore they can tell you what the general public opinion of any menu item is.

Be warned though… no server likes to hear “so…what’s good” – only to be completely disregarded. Instead try something like “Do most people like…?” If you can’t decide between two items – ask your server. Keep in mind, you and your server might have different tastes so just ask them which one is more popular.