I should tell you first that I am horrible at fake flirting. I am not one of those servers who knows how to bat her eyelashes and flirt with octogenarians in an effort to make them part with their cash. While this is a skill admired by some, I kind of feel like it crosses a line that I’m not comfortable crossing. I’m sure if I didn’t hold this philosophy then I could easily learn how to fake flirt because I am simply awesome at everything I do.

I’m a waitress not a call girl. I wait tables not sell hand jobs for $20 (I’m honestly not sure how much a proper hand job should cost but someone once told me they pay $20). I’m not at work to flirt or lead desperate men to believe that after closing they can return and finger-bang me at the hostess stand. I also have no interest in giving out my number so I can “hook up” later. I know everyone wants to bone a waitress but flirting with me is a waste of time. Once I blow off the first feeble attempt I kind of feel like the guy should get the point. In order to save him the forthcoming embarrassment he should just shut the fuck up already. If a guy doesn’t get the point then I will say something that brings him so much shame that he really has no choice but to leave or be very quiet for the remainder of the meal. Then, of course, I pray that one of his friends pay the bill because the shaming of his friend will double my tip.

With that said, the flirting was harmless enough and it was pretty easy to ignore. When the group of guys left they tipped 50% ($40 on an $80 check). The busser hands me a scrap of paper from the table after they leave. It said:

Michael (the guy in the blue shirt)

You are cute:

Room # XXXX

Sure, it’s pretty common to get a guy’s number on the table. A lot of the time the note won’t even tell you which guy. I had one guy leave his number with no description and he was with 15 friends. The one thing that really amused me about this particular note was the fact that this guy didn’t even leave a phone number – just a room number. I’m thinking what kind of fucking dirtbag move is that? Does he think I’m just going to show up there, wearing nothing but an apron? How fucking desperate would I have to be to show up at all? The guy noticed how cute I am… so it’s pretty unlikely to happen.

My advice for guys who want to try this: do it to an ugly chick because they have much lower standards. Also, call dibs and tell your friends they have to abstain from flirting with her. You wouldn’t want all the attention to go to her head and decrease the probability of penetration.

I check back on my guests several times.  The first time I check back is when their food arrives to make sure they don’t need any additional condiments and to make sure their food arrived correctly.  Then I check back again after everyone has tried at least two bites of their food to make sure their food tastes good and is properly cooked.  Besides these two times I walk past them several times checking for signs of dissatisfaction and refilling beverages as needed.  Like I said: I give people ample time to make their complaints known prior to the consumption of their entire meal.  That’s why it never ceases to amaze me the number of people who eat every fucking morsel of their food and then complain that something was missing, cooked incorrectly, or tasted horrible.

In most cases there isn’t a hell of a lot I can do to rectify the situation since I have no way to prove their claim.  I deal with so many fucktards who have so many retarded complaints in a day that it becomes difficult to determine who is a lying twat seeking a free meal and who has an actual legitimate complaint.

Don’t Like The Food?
If you hate the food why the fuck would you eat all of it and then say “That was the grossest meal I’ve ever had.”  What kind of fucking person does that?  Sorry, big boy… you ate the entire fucking meal there is nothing I can do for you.  You should have complained immediately and I would have replaced your meal with something else.  If you are in a time crunch then you could have just eaten a small amount and I probably wouldn’t have made you pay for it.  You didn’t though.  Instead you ate the entire fucking meal, licked the plate, and then passive-aggressively complained like a little bitch.  If it was good enough for you to shovel down your throat in 2 minutes then it’s good enough for you pay for.

Improper Cooking Temperatures
Why would you eat your entire burger and then tell me that it was improperly cooked when you could have just as easily have told me during one of the many times I checked on you.  Chances are your burger was properly prepared and you are just a fucktard who doesn’t know proper cooking temperatures.  Either way, If you let me know before you devour the entire burger I can do something about it – like have it cooked to your liking or even take the time to explain cooking temperatures to you so you avoid the problem in the future.  If you wait until you eat the entire thing I really no longer give a fuck about your complaint.  Inevitably you end your complaint by telling me “make sure the chef knows,” or “pass this along to the chef.”  Something you should know is that most servers will just ignore your complaint and not relay the message to the chef because there is no way to tell if it’s legitimate or not.  This is because guests often tell us their burgers are improperly cooked when in fact they are perfected cooked.  These people are just used to eating at chain restaurants that serve their shit well done and call it medium well.  These chain restaurants won’t even serve their meat with the slightest amount of pink in it because the quality of the beef is poor and the people preparing it probably don’t have a degree in culinary arts.

Something Is Missing?
The kitchen screws up on tiny things all day long.  It’s a fast paced job and it’s easy to overlook small items, like extra avocado or a side of ranch.  If this happens then you should let your server know that something is missing as soon as you notice.  It will only take 90 seconds to fix the problem in most cases.  My absolute favorite is when cheese is missing from a sandwich.  The reason it’s my favorite is because so many people are too fucking retarded to correctly identify cheese.  I hate when people wait until the end of their meal to tell me there is no cheese because most of the time there was in fact cheese and I missed an opportunity to point it out to them.  Here is a classic example:

Four asians order four burgers, one with blue cheese.  The lady eats several bites of her burger before flagging me down to tell me there is no cheese on her burger.  There is in fact cheese on her burger and I can see it without even asking her to lift the bun.

Me: There is cheese.  It’s right there.

Lady: right where?

Me: Right there.  That white stuff hanging off the side.

Lady: I no see.

Me: (I take her fork and poke it) Right there.

Lady: That cheese?

Me: Yes, that’s cheese.

Lady: (Lifts her bun to see the entire patty covered in the mysterious white substance) Hmmmmmm. That blue cheese?

Me: Yes.

Lady: I thought it something else.

The above conversation happens 95% of the time when someone says there is no cheese on their burger. I know it seems strange because cheese is something that should be obvious – especially blue cheese since it has such a strong taste.  The truth is people just lose all common sense when dining out and turn into fucking retards.

One particular advancement within the industry is the “course line”  key.  In most places, servers are required to use this to indicate to the kitchen the order in which the food is supposed to arrive at the table.  For instance, if you ring in a starter you would then hit the course line key.  This would place a line on the screen that says course 2 and indicate to the kitchen that everything above the line should come out first.  This feature prevents servers from forgetting to fire courses and puts the expo in charge of making sure the food is appropriately spaced.  Like all systems, this works out most of the time and fails others.  Here is an example:

An older couple came in this evening.  They both ordered wine and some food to share.  Their food consisted of a salad, which was requested to arrive first with an extra bowl.  They also wanted to share a rare burger, cut in half, and some fries.  Upon completing their order, the woman said “The salad will come out first, right?”  I assured her that it would and then rang their order in.  Their salad arrived a couple of minutes later and they began eating it.  About 10 minutes later they had eaten 75% of it and the remainder of their food arrived.  They looked outraged.  I went over to the table and the nice couple had been replaced with two raging fucking lunatics.

The lady looked at me and said “Well… they brought the burger out.  I specifically asked for my salad to arrive first.  They messed up BIG TIME.”  I explained that the salad did in fact come out first and that normally burgers come out 10-15 minutes later (depending on cooking temp) and sometimes there might be a slight overlap.  I then asked her if she wanted me to remove the burger until she was finished with her salad.  She replies “Why? So you can put it under a heat lamp until I am ready.  If I wanted to eat at McDonald’s I would have.”  She had previously been so nice that I was astounded by her transformation into a mega-cunt.  I offered to have another burger cooked from scratch and she just glared at me with such disdain that all I could say is “What is it that you would like me to do to resolve the situation?” The husband replied “There is nothing you can do. We will be fine.”  He then shooed me away.

I walked by a couple of times to make sure their drinks were full and once they had emptied some of their plates I offered to remove them.  The woman looked at me like I had just fucked her dead husband’s corpse right in front of her and said “What you can do is stay away from us.”  Having immense PMS forced me to begin laughing out loud and I walked away.  I told my manager how pissed the table was and he replied “Why, did you queef on them?”  I waited to go back to the table until the guy flagged me down for the check and requested a box.  When I returned with his credit card slip he said “You tell your kitchen they messed up BIG TIME and they know it!” I told him I would pass the message along, smiled, and told him to have a wonderful night.

Some people are just rude cocksuckers and nothing you do will ever make them happy but if you want to make them really unhappy be overly nice and cheerful to them while they are pissed off over something minute, inconsequential, and ridiculously fucking petty.

When people ask me what the difference is between Kobe beef and Angus beef I tell them one of the main differences is the Kobe beef has a higher fat content, making it juicier.  I also tell them that the more they cook it, the less they notice the difference since the fat cooks away.  Three out of five times the person still orders their burger to at least medium well - Some still insist on me bringing them a ‘hockey puck.’

The truth is, in life and in beef a fucking hockey puck is a hockey puck.  If you are going to cook your meat to a point that it is now beef jerkey you might as well as eat at fucking McDonalds.  You shouldn’t come in and complain about our high prices when you are destroying our high quality beef with your shitty cooking preferences. This applies to you Canada.

Since I work on the Las Vegas strip during a down economy I wait on A LOT of Canadians.  Apparently, nothing scares a Canadian more than undercooked beef.  In fact, a large portion of my day is spent explaining cooking temperatures to people who sometimes reply “It is illegal to serve beef not fully cooked, how can you guys stay open?”  On a good day I can simply ignore these twats and slow blink but in most cases it takes every ounce of my being to not bludgeon them to death with a nearby chair.  So for your convenience Canada I have written some cooking temperatures below, as well as some other things you might want to know about consuming beef in restaurants within the U.S.

Dear Canada,

Please note the following for correct cooking temperatures within the U.S.

Rare: Brown on the outside, red/raw throughout.

Medium Rare: Brown on the outside, pink throughout, with a cool red center.

Medium: Brown on the outside, pink throughout.

Medium-Well: Brown on the outside, mostly cooked throughout with a slight amount of pink.

Well: Cooked throughout, no pink

Hockey Puck: Burnt to a crisp with an outer shell of hard crunchy stuff including grill scrapings and the cook’s pubes, cooked throughout without a trace of moisture (except maybe saliva and snot).  The saliva and snot is mostly noticeable if you sent back your fully cooked well done burger and needed it cooked more.

Also, note:

No, it is not illegal for me to serve you undercooked meat.  We are in the U.S. not some 3rd world country where the meat is actually a stray dog that had been limping in the alley.

Yes, as a matter of fact I have heard of “Jack in the Box”  - Where in 1993 a strain of E.Coli (or e colleee as Larry King would say) infected hundreds of unsuspecting diners and killed 4 children.  First of all, “Jack in the Box,” other fast food establishments, and most sit down chain restaurants, use a lower quality beef.  Because of this they choose to fully cook their beef to a higher temperature since they can’t afford to be sued for $10 million like Jack in the Box was.  This is their choice.

These places are owned by corporations that offer you low prices by getting their meat in bulk from some food service company who purchases their meat from somewhere else.  It is unlikely that the person serving the meat can tell you where it was raised or slaughtered.  The manager doesn’t know and neither does the fucking delivery driver dropping the meat off.  No one gives a fuck either because they are going to cook the shit out of it and cover it with cheese and mayonnaise so you won’t give a fuck either.

If this is the way you are used to getting your meat within the U.S then you are probably accustomed  to eating at low end dining establishments or visiting places where hillbillies are grown.  Even shitty local bars in Las Vegas will cook your burger as rare as you like it.  Some chain restaurants will also serve you rare beef, like Ruby Tuesday’s or you can order a medium rare burger at Fuddrucker’s which more than likely will not be cooked correctly.

The point is: Don’t argue with your fucking server about cooking temperatures because you simply don’t know what the fuck you are talking about and it is annoying, you little fuck.  Also, when I take the extra time to explain cooking temperatures… how about you take the time to listen?  Shut the fuck up and stop arguing with your fat , balding, blue-eye-shadow-wearing wife about whether or not you can afford two orders of fries or have to split one and pay fucking attention.

Then I won’t have to hear your bitch ass complain about how your burger isn’t cooked the way you ordered it.

Thanks, your cooperation is appreciated.

Two things can happen here:

1. You hear the server groan, roll her eyes, and she honors your ridiculous request and at the end of the meal you complain when it takes her 20 minutes to close your checks out. Your check might also even contain the wrong items, so you wait a little longer for her to get it corrected. A lot of the time all 15 people are paying with cash – which makes the server wish death on you all.

2. The server nicely (or even not nicely) refuses to do it, telling you the policy is one check for large parties. You and your 15 friends spend 5-10 minutes throwing some money or credit cards into a pile and pay your check. Some parties opt to split their check evenly by the number of people in the party. Some get their phone out to calculate the exact amount they owe (down to the penny). Others just round up and give an approximate amount per person – one person says “put whatever is left over on this card.”  Inevitably the person who puts the remainder on their card only tips on that portion. Hopefully the server included gratuity – otherwise, the tip will be something like $5 on $350 because the credit card amount was only $25 and the tip written in was $5.

You, having never worked in a restaurant, think to yourself.. what’s the big deal with separate checks – why do servers hate it so much? Is it really that difficult to separate a check? What is so hard about being a waitress – any moron can do it.

Let me begin by saying your server groans when you ask for separate checks because it says a lot about you. Your server assumes that you are cheap and already knows that you are annoying. But why?

- You are out with 15 of your oldest friends are all of you so cheap that you cant just divide the check evenly like civilized human beings?

- You are creating much more work for your server and this additional work will not be rewarded. People who require separate checks almost always leave shitty tips. If you are part of a large party and you server decides to include gratuity – she now has to add it to all 15 checks (instead of 1).  In this case, this is what is taking so long after you request your checks.

- You are not the server’s only table.  In fact, she probably has lots of other tables.  I could have a 15 top and 7 other tables.  I automatically have 8 checks open – separating your check into 15 checks would give me 22 open checks.  Having so many open checks gets confusing AND sometimes one check from the 15 top remains because no one claims  it and the server then forces someone else to pay it.

At this point, a lot of people say.. it still doesn’t sound difficult.  What’s the big deal?

The big deal is that there are 15 of you and 1 of me.  Is it easier for you to do the math- absolutely!  Not only is it easier but it is more efficient when you go to pay the check.  It will only take the server a couple of minutes to process your payment even if you give her a stack of credit cards to run.  If she has to close out 15 checks individually it will take much longer.  For instance, we have a cashier who closes our checks.  If all 15 people paid in cash it would probably take at least a minute each.  The cashier has to pull up the check on the computer, put in the amount you are paying, make change, and wait for the check to close and print.  There might also be other people in front of you waiting for their checks to be closed.  If everyone plans on paying in cash – just ask your server to break large bills and everyone pitch in some money.  It’s not rocket science.  Why are people so afraid of paying $1 more??  These are your closest friends?

Small parties that include families are the worst.  I hate to hear a family of four ask for separate checks – it’s horrible when a daughter asks for separate checks because she doesn’t want to accidently pay even a small amount for her mom’s food.  It just lacks class.  That’s your mom – buy her some food,  just pitch in some money, spilt the check evenly WHATEVER.  Just don’t be such a cheap loser that you need a separate check from your mom.

I know a lot of people think that servers who don’t separate checks are just slacking.  Really, telling people “No” to a request to inevitably gives them a worse dining experience makes them a better server.  They can then focus on performing more important tasks AND their other 8 tables.  When a server tells you “No separate checks” you should know that they are doing it for own good. Stop being a cheap fucking douche bag and let your server provide you with good service.

Also, you shouldn’t think your server is stupid … After all YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS TOO FUCKING RETARDED TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU OWE OR TOO CHEAP TO JUST THROW SOME MONEY IN.

Lot of people ask servers out because for some reason humping a waitress is a common male fantasy (even females and couples hit on remotely attractive servers).

Of course, you will always have people that tip the same amount – regardless of the amount of the check or the service they receive. I gather this is because they only completed 4th grade and never learned how to compute percentages. They have therefore decided to just tip $4 or $5 every single time or stiff you completely if they send the food back because they don’t know how to read a menu or order steak cooked the way they prefer.

Others might not be able to afford to tip. In which case, they should stay home with their mullet-sporting, leg-brace wearing kids (like my mom did).

I hope this answer helps but I seriously doubt it will because shitty tippers cannot really be generalized.

I’m sure they have their reasons – you should just revel in the fact that you had the privilege of waiting on them and forget the fact that you were not properly rewarded.  Knowing you do a good job is far more important than paying your bills. When your electric bill is due just mail them a letter that says:

“Thanks for the electricity, you guys are doing a fantastic job! I really enjoyed the cool A.C. – it kept my balls from sticking to my leg all month long. Keep up the good work!”

- If you are unhappy with something that is free- like bread… just don’t eat it.

- If you are unhappy because your food contains something that was clearly stated in the menu but you opted to just skim over that part and you choose to complain and have your food replaced – tip extra for being a douche. If you have to send it back because of an allergy and the item was mentioned on the menu then you should be shot. If the item wasn’t mentioned then it is not the fault of the server but instead the lazy and inconsiderate management staff and chef who prepared the menu descriptions, without considering your life.

- If the food is improperly prepared or seasoned and it is the fault of the kitchen then send it back as soon as you notice. Servers do not mind returning your food and chewing the kitchen out. Do not wait until you have eaten more than half of the meal and then suddenly refuse to eat it. There is no excuse for this and if you wait until you have eaten every last morsel then you shouldn’t be compensated, instead you should be cooter punched.

- Do not send something back that is properly seasoned and was properly described on the menu, i.e. sending back buffalo wings for being too spicy.

Live and learn. Menu descriptions are there for a reason – read them. If you have additional questions or allergies ask your server. No one is going to lie – they don’t want to hear you bitch about it when you get the food. Also, servers know what foods get sent back more often, therefore they can tell you what the general public opinion of any menu item is.

Be warned though… no server likes to hear “so…what’s good” – only to be completely disregarded. Instead try something like “Do most people like…?” If you can’t decide between two items – ask your server. Keep in mind, you and your server might have different tastes so just ask them which one is more popular.

To give you some insight into my day, I have broken down exactly how I spend my time at work.

15% explaining cooking temperatures

2% taking food back to the kitchen because people failed to listen to me when I explained cooking temperatures

5% answering menu related questions like “what is your favorite thing on the menu?’

3% taking orders after people say “that doesn’t sound like something I would like… I’ll have…”

5% avoiding answering personal questions by making up complete fabrications that require no additional explanations (I will teach you how to do this someday, I promise)

5% having genuine conversations with guests who are polite and friendly

10% running back and forth to get things because people are not considerate enough to ask for everything at once – including bringing refills to guests who changed their mind about wanting a refill, even though I asked them when they only had half of a swallow left

5% doing menial side work or rolling silverware

5% sexually harassing my managers – including the female ones

5% gossiping about co-workers

15% doing other people’s jobs

10% making sure my tables aren’t in need of anything

15% completely goofing off – turning everything into a joke about my vagina – making fun of my co-workers – making fun of guests with insane hairstyles or no sense of fashion – thinking of things to blog about

If you are a cheap fucking loser who tips your waitress/waiter $2.30 on a $47.70 check.  DO NOT expect to receive the to go box you requested any time soon.  When someone gives us such a shitty tip BEFORE making additional requests we take our sweet ass time honoring these requests – in fact, sometimes our memory completely fails.

If you intend to give such a shitty tip, I would strongly suggest that you wait until you have already boxed up your 14 ketchup coated french fries and have your ugly, inbred child in their stroller.  Then, you should run out of the door as quickly as possible to increase your chances of not being recognized in the future.  Of course, this might not work because even the dumbest servers can recognize a bad tipper – even if they have no other serving skills at all.