I check back on my guests several times.  The first time I check back is when their food arrives to make sure they don’t need any additional condiments and to make sure their food arrived correctly.  Then I check back again after everyone has tried at least two bites of their food to make sure their food tastes good and is properly cooked.  Besides these two times I walk past them several times checking for signs of dissatisfaction and refilling beverages as needed.  Like I said: I give people ample time to make their complaints known prior to the consumption of their entire meal.  That’s why it never ceases to amaze me the number of people who eat every fucking morsel of their food and then complain that something was missing, cooked incorrectly, or tasted horrible.

In most cases there isn’t a hell of a lot I can do to rectify the situation since I have no way to prove their claim.  I deal with so many fucktards who have so many retarded complaints in a day that it becomes difficult to determine who is a lying twat seeking a free meal and who has an actual legitimate complaint.

Don’t Like The Food?
If you hate the food why the fuck would you eat all of it and then say “That was the grossest meal I’ve ever had.”  What kind of fucking person does that?  Sorry, big boy… you ate the entire fucking meal there is nothing I can do for you.  You should have complained immediately and I would have replaced your meal with something else.  If you are in a time crunch then you could have just eaten a small amount and I probably wouldn’t have made you pay for it.  You didn’t though.  Instead you ate the entire fucking meal, licked the plate, and then passive-aggressively complained like a little bitch.  If it was good enough for you to shovel down your throat in 2 minutes then it’s good enough for you pay for.

Improper Cooking Temperatures
Why would you eat your entire burger and then tell me that it was improperly cooked when you could have just as easily have told me during one of the many times I checked on you.  Chances are your burger was properly prepared and you are just a fucktard who doesn’t know proper cooking temperatures.  Either way, If you let me know before you devour the entire burger I can do something about it – like have it cooked to your liking or even take the time to explain cooking temperatures to you so you avoid the problem in the future.  If you wait until you eat the entire thing I really no longer give a fuck about your complaint.  Inevitably you end your complaint by telling me “make sure the chef knows,” or “pass this along to the chef.”  Something you should know is that most servers will just ignore your complaint and not relay the message to the chef because there is no way to tell if it’s legitimate or not.  This is because guests often tell us their burgers are improperly cooked when in fact they are perfected cooked.  These people are just used to eating at chain restaurants that serve their shit well done and call it medium well.  These chain restaurants won’t even serve their meat with the slightest amount of pink in it because the quality of the beef is poor and the people preparing it probably don’t have a degree in culinary arts.

Something Is Missing?
The kitchen screws up on tiny things all day long.  It’s a fast paced job and it’s easy to overlook small items, like extra avocado or a side of ranch.  If this happens then you should let your server know that something is missing as soon as you notice.  It will only take 90 seconds to fix the problem in most cases.  My absolute favorite is when cheese is missing from a sandwich.  The reason it’s my favorite is because so many people are too fucking retarded to correctly identify cheese.  I hate when people wait until the end of their meal to tell me there is no cheese because most of the time there was in fact cheese and I missed an opportunity to point it out to them.  Here is a classic example:

Four asians order four burgers, one with blue cheese.  The lady eats several bites of her burger before flagging me down to tell me there is no cheese on her burger.  There is in fact cheese on her burger and I can see it without even asking her to lift the bun.

Me: There is cheese.  It’s right there.

Lady: right where?

Me: Right there.  That white stuff hanging off the side.

Lady: I no see.

Me: (I take her fork and poke it) Right there.

Lady: That cheese?

Me: Yes, that’s cheese.

Lady: (Lifts her bun to see the entire patty covered in the mysterious white substance) Hmmmmmm. That blue cheese?

Me: Yes.

Lady: I thought it something else.

The above conversation happens 95% of the time when someone says there is no cheese on their burger. I know it seems strange because cheese is something that should be obvious – especially blue cheese since it has such a strong taste.  The truth is people just lose all common sense when dining out and turn into fucking retards.

When people ask me what the difference is between Kobe beef and Angus beef I tell them one of the main differences is the Kobe beef has a higher fat content, making it juicier.  I also tell them that the more they cook it, the less they notice the difference since the fat cooks away.  Three out of five times the person still orders their burger to at least medium well - Some still insist on me bringing them a ‘hockey puck.’

The truth is, in life and in beef a fucking hockey puck is a hockey puck.  If you are going to cook your meat to a point that it is now beef jerkey you might as well as eat at fucking McDonalds.  You shouldn’t come in and complain about our high prices when you are destroying our high quality beef with your shitty cooking preferences. This applies to you Canada.

Since I work on the Las Vegas strip during a down economy I wait on A LOT of Canadians.  Apparently, nothing scares a Canadian more than undercooked beef.  In fact, a large portion of my day is spent explaining cooking temperatures to people who sometimes reply “It is illegal to serve beef not fully cooked, how can you guys stay open?”  On a good day I can simply ignore these twats and slow blink but in most cases it takes every ounce of my being to not bludgeon them to death with a nearby chair.  So for your convenience Canada I have written some cooking temperatures below, as well as some other things you might want to know about consuming beef in restaurants within the U.S.

Dear Canada,

Please note the following for correct cooking temperatures within the U.S.

Rare: Brown on the outside, red/raw throughout.

Medium Rare: Brown on the outside, pink throughout, with a cool red center.

Medium: Brown on the outside, pink throughout.

Medium-Well: Brown on the outside, mostly cooked throughout with a slight amount of pink.

Well: Cooked throughout, no pink

Hockey Puck: Burnt to a crisp with an outer shell of hard crunchy stuff including grill scrapings and the cook’s pubes, cooked throughout without a trace of moisture (except maybe saliva and snot).  The saliva and snot is mostly noticeable if you sent back your fully cooked well done burger and needed it cooked more.

Also, note:

No, it is not illegal for me to serve you undercooked meat.  We are in the U.S. not some 3rd world country where the meat is actually a stray dog that had been limping in the alley.

Yes, as a matter of fact I have heard of “Jack in the Box”  - Where in 1993 a strain of E.Coli (or e colleee as Larry King would say) infected hundreds of unsuspecting diners and killed 4 children.  First of all, “Jack in the Box,” other fast food establishments, and most sit down chain restaurants, use a lower quality beef.  Because of this they choose to fully cook their beef to a higher temperature since they can’t afford to be sued for $10 million like Jack in the Box was.  This is their choice.

These places are owned by corporations that offer you low prices by getting their meat in bulk from some food service company who purchases their meat from somewhere else.  It is unlikely that the person serving the meat can tell you where it was raised or slaughtered.  The manager doesn’t know and neither does the fucking delivery driver dropping the meat off.  No one gives a fuck either because they are going to cook the shit out of it and cover it with cheese and mayonnaise so you won’t give a fuck either.

If this is the way you are used to getting your meat within the U.S then you are probably accustomed  to eating at low end dining establishments or visiting places where hillbillies are grown.  Even shitty local bars in Las Vegas will cook your burger as rare as you like it.  Some chain restaurants will also serve you rare beef, like Ruby Tuesday’s or you can order a medium rare burger at Fuddrucker’s which more than likely will not be cooked correctly.

The point is: Don’t argue with your fucking server about cooking temperatures because you simply don’t know what the fuck you are talking about and it is annoying, you little fuck.  Also, when I take the extra time to explain cooking temperatures… how about you take the time to listen?  Shut the fuck up and stop arguing with your fat , balding, blue-eye-shadow-wearing wife about whether or not you can afford two orders of fries or have to split one and pay fucking attention.

Then I won’t have to hear your bitch ass complain about how your burger isn’t cooked the way you ordered it.

Thanks, your cooperation is appreciated.

- You can sleep until noon EVERYDAY and take a nap later if you want.

- You make good money tolerating people who are complete assholes and at the end of the day you don’t have to see the same assholes again. If you are a judge, lawyer, doctor etc. you have might make more money but you have to put up with the same assholes for an extended period of time, pay off a fortune in student loans, and work really long hours.

- You can work an average of 6 hours a day, very very seldom working a full 8 hours.

- You have no real sense of responsibility for your workplace when you are away. You do not care about what is going on when you aren’t there. This allows you to call in or give shifts away and go to the beach for a few days whenever you want. You can also request additional days off a couple of times a month if working 30 hours a week turns out to be too much for you.

- Time goes by faster when you are moving around as opposed to sitting hunched over a desk crunching numbers or pretending to crunch numbers while surfing the web for scat pics.

- Drinking after work isn’t optional but mandatory. If you don’t stay after work and drink with your co-workers on occasion you are shunned. Sometimes the drinking can last until the wee hours of the morning – when you drive yourself home drunk while everyone is commuting to their 9-5 jobs.

- If you have a child then waiting tables allows you to see your child more frequently or at least choose the hours you see them. For instance, working nights allows you to see them during the day when they are awake for a longer period of time.

- Most servers don’t have to think about what to wear or purchase an extensive wardrobe. Your uniform is provided and you wear it every day. Sure, the uniforms aren’t flattering on most people but they are free. Also, you don’t have to wear uncomfortable dress shoes like office workers – most servers work in sneakers.

- While waiting tables does sometimes provide you with an opportunity to move into management most people don’t bother because everyone knows that majority of servers make more money than the management staff. This means that you don’t have to try to screw or impress your boss in an effort to get promoted. No promotion = No ass kissing. Just go to work, perform your job correctly, and go home until your next shift.

- Waiting tables is an excellent way to pay for college. In fact, I paid my way through college and remain debt free – unlike students who take out loans and owe over $20k when they graduate.

- Working in a restaurant allows you to talk like a trucker – allowing you to use words like “cunt, pussy, cock, snatch etc.” – and modified forms of these words. You can also talk extensively about your vagina, manscaping, ass-to-mouth, and pretty much any other topics normally taboo in office environments.

- Waiting tables allows you to use all your black jokes and other stereotype related jokes. Of course, make sure the person you are making them at isn’t a total douche who can’t take a joke.

So… Like most people I like parts of my job.

Lot of people ask servers out because for some reason humping a waitress is a common male fantasy (even females and couples hit on remotely attractive servers).

Of course, you will always have people that tip the same amount – regardless of the amount of the check or the service they receive. I gather this is because they only completed 4th grade and never learned how to compute percentages. They have therefore decided to just tip $4 or $5 every single time or stiff you completely if they send the food back because they don’t know how to read a menu or order steak cooked the way they prefer.

Others might not be able to afford to tip. In which case, they should stay home with their mullet-sporting, leg-brace wearing kids (like my mom did).

I hope this answer helps but I seriously doubt it will because shitty tippers cannot really be generalized.

I’m sure they have their reasons – you should just revel in the fact that you had the privilege of waiting on them and forget the fact that you were not properly rewarded.  Knowing you do a good job is far more important than paying your bills. When your electric bill is due just mail them a letter that says:

“Thanks for the electricity, you guys are doing a fantastic job! I really enjoyed the cool A.C. – it kept my balls from sticking to my leg all month long. Keep up the good work!”

- If you are unhappy with something that is free- like bread… just don’t eat it.

- If you are unhappy because your food contains something that was clearly stated in the menu but you opted to just skim over that part and you choose to complain and have your food replaced – tip extra for being a douche. If you have to send it back because of an allergy and the item was mentioned on the menu then you should be shot. If the item wasn’t mentioned then it is not the fault of the server but instead the lazy and inconsiderate management staff and chef who prepared the menu descriptions, without considering your life.

- If the food is improperly prepared or seasoned and it is the fault of the kitchen then send it back as soon as you notice. Servers do not mind returning your food and chewing the kitchen out. Do not wait until you have eaten more than half of the meal and then suddenly refuse to eat it. There is no excuse for this and if you wait until you have eaten every last morsel then you shouldn’t be compensated, instead you should be cooter punched.

- Do not send something back that is properly seasoned and was properly described on the menu, i.e. sending back buffalo wings for being too spicy.

Live and learn. Menu descriptions are there for a reason – read them. If you have additional questions or allergies ask your server. No one is going to lie – they don’t want to hear you bitch about it when you get the food. Also, servers know what foods get sent back more often, therefore they can tell you what the general public opinion of any menu item is.

Be warned though… no server likes to hear “so…what’s good” – only to be completely disregarded. Instead try something like “Do most people like…?” If you can’t decide between two items – ask your server. Keep in mind, you and your server might have different tastes so just ask them which one is more popular.