Our chef’s idea of all-you-can-eat means using the largest plate possible and filling it with enough food to feed a family of four Americans or an entire village in Africa.  This particular special comes with two full racks of ribs and a giant mound of coleslaw and beans.  Is it cost effective to needlessly pile that much food onto a plate?  No… not really.  Truthfully, more than half of the food is uneaten and winds up in the garbage.

But sometimes (I really mean almost always) our chef makes decisions that have no logical basis or he uses his own form of logic instead of real logic.  This special is a prime example of our chef’s logic in action.

Chef logic: People should feel like they are getting a good deal.  They will be impressed that they get this much food for such a low price.

My logic: People will still be just as impressed by getting half as much food and knowing they can get more if they want.  More than likely they wouldn’t request more and we can sell twice as many specials or just make half as many ribs.  Maybe people wouldn’t stuff themselves so full and we could possibly even sell dessert or perhaps they will order a second beer.

Delivering this special to a table provokes all sorts of reactions from guests.

Americans marvel at the size of the portion they receive.  Their hearts fill with glee and they enthusiastically dig in using their hands.  Soon their entire body is coated in a sticky film of BBQ sauce.  They attempt to eat every bite but most can’t even eat half.  When they have had their fill they will simply push the plate away and not worry about the waste.   Every now and then one gluttonous American will ask for a second serving of ribs, which is only half of a rack (very few will finish it).

Some foreigners look at the portion and laugh.  Lots of Asians point and take pictures while modeling behind the plate.  Some Asians have each person model with the plate or model holding a rib.  In whatever language they speak I imagine they are saying, “Holy fuck. This is a shit ton of food.  No wonder Americans are so fat and lazy.”  Frequently, foreign couples who ordered two specials demand that you return one to the kitchen and allow them to share one portion but pay for two specials.

Tonight the following occurred:

An older English couple were seated in my station today.  They immediately picked up the table tent and inquired about our all-you-can-eat rib special.  They both said that it sounded “lovely” and ordered it.  When it arrived they looked at each other and said “Wow, that’s a lot of food.”  I nodded my head in agreement.  I left the food for them to eat and checked on them periodically throughout the meal.  When I went to clear the empty plates from the table the man looked mad but he assured me that everything was fine. I gave him his check, ran his credit card, and returned with the slip.  As soon as he signed his credit card slip he began yelling at me.

Man: You should be ashamed of yourself
Me: For…?
Man: You’ve gone and put too much food on the plate and made us eat it.
Me: How did I make you eat it?
Man: You put so much food there that if we didn’t eat it then we would be wasteful.  I don’t like to waste food, neither does my wife.
Me: (looking puzzled)
Man: Now I’ve gone and made myself sick. It’s all your fault.
Me: I don’t control the portions.
Man: I hope you’re happy.  My wife had to go throw up. You’ve ruined our entire evening, maybe even our vacation.

The man quickly left the restaurant, with his hand covering his mouth, as if he were about to hurl.  I’m not sure if he did or not.  It would’ve been the one time I actually wanted to see someone vomit.

Gaysian has since chatted my ear off by telling me every minute detail of any potentially blog-worthy scenario. Being the lazy fuck that I am, I have neglected to blog any of them. Because of his efforts I have selected a story that he recently told me.

A deaf couple is sat in his station. They order their food in the same manner Asians do – by pointing to items on the menu and holding up one finger. When their food arrives they flag Gaysian down and start making an up and down cock-stroking motion (similar to when you jack off the air, only vertically). Gaysian looked puzzled and tries to figure out what they want, while covering his erection with a tray. Nothing turns on a Gay Asian more than the possibility of a hand job from a complete stranger. Eventually he figures out that they are requesting milkshakes. I guess vertical hand job is also sign language for milkshake.

Note: Gaysian didn’t really have boner or at least if he did he didn’t tell me. Also, some deaf people do the vertical hand job gesture for milkshake but the real sign for it is to sign m-i-l-k and then do the vertical hand job gesture twice. Some deaf people avoid doing this because it looks really obscene. Instead, they choose to sign out every letter in the word milkshake.

For fun: Act deaf and order a shake this way.

Gaysian (my gay asian co-worker) waited on a party that consisted of two cowboys and a cowgirl.  As he cleared the plates from the table one of the men asked if they could have the check. Gaysian said something like “Yes, I will get that for you.”

When Gaysian returned with the check he placed it on the table and the following conversation happened:

Cowboy: Do you know who I am?

Gaysian: No sir, should I?

Cowboy: You should.

Gaysian: Are you going to give me a hint?

Cowboy: Where I come from they call me Captain and him (pointing to his friend) Mister.

Gaysian: That doesn’t sound familiar. Can I have another hint?

Cowboy (angrily): Where I come from people call you SIR.  When I ask for the check I expect “YES SIR.”

Gaysian: I’ll collect your payment when you are ready, SIR.

Needless to say, the cowboy stiffed Gaysian.

A limo was stopped at a red light while a bride to be, donning a white veil, and her friend were hanging out of the sunroof. Being drunk, like most slutty women who come to Vegas and attempt to get gang raped in an alley, they decided to entertain the crowd on the sidewalk by making out.  Having dealt with drunk women A LOT, I know they both were thinking they were being pretty sexy.  The bride begins rubbing her tits and blowing kisses, while the watching crowd encourages her by making cat calls.  Just as the limo is about to pull away someone throws a half-eaten cheeseburger and hits her square in the face.  Her face was covered in ketchup and mustard.  The crowd began to applaud and she started crying.  Wonder if she still felt sexy…

When Blindy reached the hostess stand she said that she was waiting for a friend and requests a booth for two.  When the server greets her, Blindy makes sure to also inform the server that she is expecting a friend.  When the server asked if she wanted to wait until her friend arrived to order food, Blindy says “No, my friend is really flaky.  She will probably be late because she gets lost all the time.”  Blindy orders for both of them – 15 chicken wings, 1 burger, 2 types of fries, and a caesar salad (a dinner portion).  She tells the server to just bring it all at once and that her friend will be along any moment.  Before the server leaves Blindy says “No… really all of this food is for me and a friend.  I’m not going to eat it all myself.”  The server replies by saying “I didn’t think you were, I’m sure your friend will be here any minute.”  Blindy then gets paranoid and begins acting shifty.  She says “You don’t think I have a friend coming?  I do! She will be here in a minute.”  After a minute of going back and forth, the server is able to convince Blindy that she believes her. Blindy finally allowed the server to leave the table.

When the food runner drops the food off, Blindy looks at the massive amount of food she has ordered and starts crying hysterically. Everyone working pretends not to notice. After she stops crying, she gets down to business. Her friend never shows up and Blindy eats every morsel of food.  When the server mentions Blindy’s water show to the manager, he says “Yeah, she comes in all the time and always says a friend is going to show up but no one ever does.”  After Blindy paid the check, she left a generous 3% tip on the table.  She got on her hoveround and (my guess is) headed to the Grand Canyon.  Why else would anyone drive a hoveround?

If you have a vagina and a mustache – by all means SHAVE IT, WAX IT, PLUCK IT… just don’t make me look at it (the mustache and your vagina).