Waiting In Vegas

11. Fuck you and your free sample.

If you are the kind of person who goes into a restaurant and asks for a sample of something before you buy it, I fucking hate you. I don’t even care if you spent five years building schools in Africa or adopted 45 kids from Cambodia. The fact that you have to sample a $6 item before you commit to buy it makes me fucking cringe. The fact that you don’t realize exactly how fucking annoying it is also makes me cringe.

Sure…I would love to run to the bar to bring back a 1 oz shot of beer for you to try. Then I would love to stand at your table while you leisurely sip it and note it’s earthy and chocolate flavors. The only thing that could possibly make it even better is if you hate the first sample and immediately request a different one.

Take a chance. Buy the beer you want. Ask me for advice…It’s my job. Tell me what kind/type of beer you enjoy and I’ll tell you which one you will like the most. If you don’t like it, be honest. Tell me and I’ll get you another one. Is it that fucking hard?

The same rules can be applied to any food or drink.

Yes, you did read that right: I would rather you just order something and send it back as opposed to sampling it first (as long as you follow the rules below).

DO NOT:
Ignore my awesome advice and order something that I specifically said you won’t like and then think it’s acceptable to send it back. It isn’t. Eat or drink whatever the fuck you ordered and etch this memory into your tiny little brain so that maybe next time you get over yourself and listen to your server.

DO NOT:
Make up your own dish or drink and then think it’s acceptable to send it back. It isn’t. You aren’t a fucking chef/bartender for a reason. Eat whatever piece of shit concoction you insisted on being made for you and etch this memory into your tiny little brain so that maybe next time you get over yourself and order something from the menu that was prepared by the fucking chef.

If you cannot comply with these simple instructions:
Die. Die. Die.

12. Don’t complain about the prices.

Yes…our prices are fucking outrageous. That’s because my employer pays me well over minimum wage and is required to pay for my insurance. We also lease space from a major casino on the Las Vegas strip.

Look around. Do you see any wagons or vintage signs on the wall? Am I wearing flare? No? That’s a pretty good indication that you aren’t in TGIF’s and the prices aren’t nearly as affordable.

If a place looks like it might be out of your price range just glance at a menu before being seated. There’s no shame in being poor but drawing attention to your poverty by loudly complaining is shameful.

Also, no one has to justify our prices to you. It doesn’t matter why they are high. The prices are the prices and no amount of bitching done by you is going to suddenly lower them. It’s exactly like buying a car from Carmax – no haggling, bitches.

13. Read the fucking menu.

What’s that Granny? Oh, you forgot your reading glasses and you would like me to read the menu to you? Of course, I would love to. It would be a privilege and a pleasure to read the entire menu to you while my other 15 tables patiently wait for their needs to be met. No…really, it’s fine. I’m sure your 6 quarters, neatly stacked into a little pile, will be more than enough compensation for my trouble. I’m not at all bothered by the fact that 5 of my other tables completely stiffed me and then told my manager that the service was horrible. As long as YOUR needs are met and YOU are happy.

Other options:
- Use that suitcase-sized purse that you are lugging around to carry your reading glasses in. Bring 3 pairs, just in case.
- If you forgot your reading glasses, buy some at a nearby Walmart/CVS/Walgreens.
- Ask me for a recommendation and agree to whatever I pick.
- Ask the hostess what you should order on the way in. They need something to do besides standing around talking about their menstrual cycles anyways.
- Order the special.
- Have someone else at the table read the menu to you. If you are dining alone, call your great granddaughter and make her look the menu up online so she can read it to you over the phone. Young people will use any excuse to talk on the phone for hours. Besides, she owes it to you for letting her punk-rocker boyfriend steal your lawnmower.

14. There is never a need to yell like a maniac.

Regardless of what has gone wrong during your dining experience, there is absolutely NEVER a need to act like a homicidal maniac. You are in a restaurant – eating a meal. It’s not like you have a life-threatening injury that is being uncared for in the emergency room. It’s a meal – one meal out of three that you will eat in one day. It’s not as important as some people make it out to be. You are in no danger of dying of starvation if your food takes 10 minutes more than you anticipated. If the food is cold, too spicy, or burnt, you still will not die. Even if your steak or burger comes out severely undercooked, you won’t die. Every situation can be remedied in a calm and polite manner. You don’t have to be a dick and start screaming at your server because they forgot your toast.

If you do decide to yell like a maniac, you should know:
- I am no longer required to be pleasant to you.
- I will probably not give you whatever you are requesting.
- Even a 1/2 oz. side of ranch dressing will cost you $1.
- If I return your bitchy attitude, I won’t get in trouble. There is also a chance that you will be asked to immediately pay your bill and leave. If you don’t leave then security will come and escort you out (after forcing you to pay).
- I might be extremely, overly and sarcastically nice to you to get on your nerves. I might even do this while doing something mean to spite you – like not putting your food order in for 10 minutes or watering down your drink.

15. Don’t be so fucking nosy.

Why do people feel the need to ask their server personal questions? It’s really none of their business how old I am, what my marital status is, or how many children I have. I am also frequently asked if I go to college, why I moved to Vegas, what my hobbies are, what my husband does for a living, how much money I make, how many hours I work in a week, and how I stay so thin. The only questions that I am really required to answer should pertain to the food or beverages I serve. I will also accept questions about cooking temperatures, cooking times, what the status is of the food that is already cooking, and questions related to the company I work for.

In short, it’s really none of your fucking business what I do once I leave work. Besides, how would you know if your server is even answering these questions honestly? I know that I personally lie all the time – just to amuse myself. Sometimes I make up really far-fetched, in-detail stories to see if guests are paying attention. Occasionally I tell them that I was lying and then tell them the truth. Sometimes I even tell them I was lying and tell them a different lie is the truth. Since there is no way to tell if someone is telling the truth, what’s the point in even asking?

* If it’s really slow and the server seems desperate to talk to someone then they will initiate a conversation with you. If they do then you can ask them whatever you want and they are required by law to answer it truthfully.